Jul 152013
 

I was inspired to write this post after seeing many an interview with Cindy Gallop. She has me hooked. This is the why and the how…

In 2009 Cindy did a very popular Ted Talk about the differences between porn world sex and real world sex. She opened her talk with I date younger men and said it has shown her quite tangibly how our society’s refusal to talk about sex has led porn to be the default sex ed for most people. So much so that the business of porn has led to a very narrow version of sex – leaving people with unrealistic expectations of what to experience in their real world sex lives.

We all watch porn. We never talk about it. Porn exists in this parallel universe. This shadowy other world. When you force something, anything, into the shadows, underground. You make more bad things happen and you make it very difficult for good things to happen. – Cindy Gallop

In combination with that Ted Talk she created a fun and insightful Q & A website about the differences between porn world sex and real world sex which then led to her and a small team to launch www.makelovenotporn.tv. It’s a simple yet slick website where people can share their #realworldsex videos and make money doing so. It’s a platform where people can have conversations with their friends and lovers about sex outside of the conventional porn context. It’s goal is to make sex as social and as shareable as anything else you might find on Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr/Instagram.

Cindy Gallop has done a bunch of interviews, presentations and written articles to promote this new site. As a (former) xxx performer, entrepreneur and educator, I have found her take on porn fascinating.

Makelovenotporn.tv does not play the same role as porn. We are not certainly masturbation material. Although we are that too. We are very happy to do that. We are a fascinating glimpse into the real raw sex lives of real people. Because everybody wants to know what everybody else is really doing in bed and nobody does. Amateur porn replicates the porn professionals. – Cindy Gallop

Her definition of AMATEUR PORN makes sense to me and definitely applies to my beginnings in the industry. I started out as an amateur porn performer, model and webmaster who was in the professional porn replication business. As my life’s journey went on its up and down way, my work evolved into something quite different. Let’s look back at the why and the how of my adventure in xxx…

Amateur Porn – Journey and Destination Unknown

When I began creating porn I entered the industry via the world of the INTERNET amateur – a different thing than those of you who grabbed camcorder in the 1980s and started making amateur porn. I was doing so with the aim of creating something people could access from the privacy of their own home.

So, what made me enter into such an unknown endeavour? Being a risk taker and a rebel at heart was part of it. Oh, to be a pioneer into the wild west of the xxx web, how it excited me. The moment I discovered my first real life housewife swinger porn site I knew that there was an incredible personal and commercial opportunity in front of me.

I was sexually adventurous and confident, so that aspect of starting a porn site was easy for me. I loved the way having a porn site gave me a platform to explore my sexuality as a swinger, fetishist, exhibitionist, model and actor. But more than that, I was intrigued by the psychology of sex – the 5 Ws so to speak. Documenting and sharing my exploration on physical and psychological levels was fascinating to me. It turned out that talking about sexuality was one of my muses.

Role Models

This is where Cindy Gallop’s definition really comes into play.

The unfortunate thing was that the only role models I had in terms of sexual representation were from mainstream professional-corporate pornography as well as mainstream media and art. Madonna was a huge influence growing up. My coming of age was in the 1980s and she was everywhere. Erotic B movies like Two Moon Junction and Embrace of the Vampire turned me on. In terms of porn, around 1993 I started looking at magazines. High Society was a favourite. I liked adult movies like Night Trips with Tori Wells and Where The Boys Aren’t 4 with Savannah. I was also totally smitten with Nina Hartley, Shayne (of Shayne’s World), Racquel Darrien and Asia Carrera.

So when I started my site I initially took my cues from these sources and I can see now how it was a bit of a misstep. Albeit, probably an unavoidable and necessary one. These role models were all that were available to me. The internet has changed this. Big time.

Regrets?

Many of my first year’s photosets make me wince. I see them and think how it represents a naive, easily influenced, version of me. One who was listening to people who thought this new wave of porn was a revolution when in fact it was mostly a recreation of the old standard, but featuring “real people” and using different technology (still really interesting and important, but not quite the genuine experience I wanted it to be). As a result I made a bunch of porn that I think sucks.*

I do not live in a place of regret. I see all of my experiences as valuable lessons learned. Though at times I also think it is rather unfortunate that my “lessons” have been shared around the world. Ah, who knew I would also be a pioneer when it come to being a victim for content theft and illegal file sharing!

A Few Examples of What Sucks

Spreads

You know when you pull your labia apart to show your vaginal and urethral openings? That is called a spread. Nude and porn models sure did them back in the day. Some strippers did too. Many still do.

All I can say now is… WTF?!? Really. Wow, look at my urethral opening! It didn’t feel or look sexy to me. Those poses got thrown out of my repertoire pretty quickly.

Tanning

It was all the rage. I was told by other amateur porn performers that it was a necessary thing to do to look good on camera. I believed them. This lasted about one year and then I saw my first wrinkle. I stopped cold.

Seska 2000 msc0107wm

1999
28 years old and ever so tanned
A cups forever

Breast Implants

I very briefly considered getting breast implants. Very briefly, people. Please do not send me emails to not get them. Re-read the previous sentences. Repeat.

But back then it was recommended to me by producers and webmasters in the internet porn biz (one dude every time I see him still does). Most of my contemporaries were getting them. Those that did better fit into the business model that existed at the time (and still is the prevalent one – Barbie doll porn – big boobs and tiny waists). But I didn’t quite get how we could be marketing our content as an alternative to professional-corporate pornography if we were turning ourselves and our content into the very thing we were supposed to be different from. So no breast implants for me.

I also did not get breast implants because I rather like my breasts just the way they are – all A cup of them – even now as I am aging and they are not as perky. They make me feel good. I get such pleasure from them as they are. Whether you do body modification or not that should be key in your decision. Your pleasure. I really wish it was not such a business decision (ladies do tend to make more $$$ the bigger their boobs are – also if they are blonde), but it is a woman’s prerogative. I do respect that. Just wish natural breasts were more common.

Role Playing

Don’t get me wrong. I did and do find role playing arousing and interesting. It can allow you to explore sexual archetypes and elements of power exchange and seduction. Role playing can also be funny and silly. I like sex when it is funny and silly. It is something I have engaged in off camera with almost every one of my long term private partners. It can feed the erotic mind – especially my erotic mind. Still, that content is not my favourite. Maybe because it was not well executed. Maybe because the context was not clear. Maybe because it is a little too forced and cliché.

Two years into having my website I knew that I needed to make a course correction.

Lightbulb Moments

I started volunteering at Scarleteen and speaking on a daily basis with Heather Corinna. She helped me discover authors and artists doing things different than the mainstream and encouraged me to explore new ways in which to express myself and my sexuality: art, poetry, reading, fine art, politics and much more. It’s not that I didn’t know those avenues existed, but I wasn’t actively exploring them. At her recommendation I started writing about my thoughts about sexuality, gender, empowerment and society. I started creating shoots that featured different kinds of themes and aspects of my sexuality. I connected with other webgals who were doing things differently than the mainstream: Trixie, Courtney Trouble and Ms Naughty (now of Bright Desire). Burlesque became important to me and then sex worker rights activism came into my life soon after that. I started developing and strengthening my own voice and my own style of sexual expression and documentation.

Subsequently, the porn I created began to change. It was filled with a hell of a lot more real world sex and a lot less silly set-ups. Especially the webcam shows I did with my (now former) husband. They were especially real… There was more acceptance for there to be: clumsiness, lube, mishaps, laughs, messiness, joy, a cat meowing non-stop in background (Catamanga RIP), condoms, orgasms, more lube, erection issues, positions that felt good,but didn’t look good, and genuine real life fun.

Also, he was not an exhibitionist and we had to tap into his particular turn-ons (like lots of feet fetish fun) rather than any script or cliché. This was so he could forget about the audience and focus on pleasure. I cannot watch that content now that my marriage is over (too damn painful), but I know that is was fresh and unique. It is a special documentation of some fantastically real sex between two people who very much cared about each other.

In my writing I switched things up too. I stopped using the term AMATEUR and replaced it with words like indie, homemade, DYI, personality driven and authentic. When I was interviewed about my site the phrase we are a mom and pop operation of porn came out of my mouth.

Another thing I started doing was to have a private sex life. For a few years I was having sex on near daily basis, but always on camera. I felt I could not waste my sexual energy. I thought I had to save it for my website. Really dumb thinking on my part. My website was my only source of income and my partner and I were really tied down to its day to day functioning – including how it determined our sex lives. During that time I felt I had to have my sexual energy at the ready for shoots and webcam shows because our livelihood depended on it. This was draining and seriously affected me and my relationship with my husband and not for the better. It is something I only realized when it was too late.

Final Thoughts

In September of this year it will be 15 years since I first shot porn. Oh my goodness, how things have changed! Porn is everywhere. So accessible. And me? I am divorced and living on my own. I no longer shoot porn, but I like curating pics and videos to share with others. Plus, after doing over nearly 1000 webcam shows, sharing 50 thousand pics and hundreds of video clips, I am ready for new adventures and opportunities. Still, my aim is to be present, reflective and sincere when I share my life and sex experiences here at www.seska.com. My site and my personal evolution continues.

This is my real life after all.

* I don’t think all of my early content sucks. Some of it does a great job of capturing my personality and my sincere desire to have sexual fun. Here is a taste of that.

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  3 Responses to “Amateur Porn vs Real Life Sex”

  1. I remember having a conversation with you when Heather Corinna had a weekly chat feature on her personal site. You told me the real reason that porn producers wanted exceptionally endowed men. It had noting to do with sexuality but a lot to do with photography.

    • I still stand by that statement. A larger, longer penis allows for people to better see the action. Especially on the semi pull out.

      But I do think that as humans we are fascinated by what other people have – be it belongings or usually hidden body parts. Seeing specific culturally deemed ‘superior’ versions of our ‘junk’ must fulfill some of our compare and contrast way of thinking.

  2. Seska – Wonderfully written. This was a revelation to find . . . and (though I am not in your league! LOL !!!) I agree with every word. Truly inspirational and a wonderful start to my morning to find you here.
    Xxx – K

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