Here is an essay I wrote in 2000 on how I came about to creating and running my own Amateur XXX website and some of the expected and unexpected results of this choice. I find it interesting and important to look back because it helps me see where I am today and to look forward towards tomorrow. Kind of like the Warrior 2 pose in yoga. I really love that pose. But I digress.
I discovered online porn during the BBS days when I was living with roommates during university (in 1993). One good buddy of mine used to like to find extreme pictures and leave them on the desktop with the caption “click on this if you dare”. Of course we would all take the dare and then would see some horrid picture of (I have to censor myself due to my billing company – what I saw usually was violent or involved animals). I didn’t let these images dissuade me from looking for Internet sites. I just knew what I did not like from viewing them.
Once I got my own computer and internet connect it became the days of the world wide web and I found out what I truly enjoyed – it was information over tantalisation. I was eager to read up on some of my new sexual interests: fetish clothing, BDSM and swinging. I started local. I surfed for stores and clubs in my area. I read everything I could get my hands on that pertained to the rules and etiquette of the different scenes. It was very educational and gave me food for fantastical thought. At that point my boyfriend at the time James and I began attending fetish nights and we experimented with swinging. Overall, it was a learning experience which helped us figure out what were our turn-ons and what suited us best as a couple.
Around this same time (1996) I discovered a link to Carol Cox’s Amateur Site. It was a rich resource for me. Not only did it have pictures of real people having sex which I found very arousing, but it was also a door to another world for me. One I was terribly intrigued by.
James and I were quite excited that one of the most well known and successful Amateurs on the Internet happened to live in our city and we had the opportunity to get to meet her. We decided to attend one of her advertised gatherings. It was held at a local swingers’ club. We approached her at the beginning of the night and said hello. She introduced us to her husband and the four of us hit it off. In short order, we became good friends. It was with their encouragement and support that James and I decided to create an Amateur adult site of our own. We were now to become pornographers instead of being just viewers of it.
About two or three years before this, I had made an attempt to perform in front of the camera. It was for a personal video for James. We videotaped ourselves having sex. I actually did not enjoy looking at this particular video, but James enjoyed it immensely. I think I found it difficult to watch myself be sexual in combination with the imperfections I saw. I was quite critical of the low production quality of our tape (poor sound, poor lighting, and poor camera angles), as well as the faults I saw in my physical characteristics. I was very hard on myself. James was much more generous. He watched the video with the expectation of flaws and naturalness. He knew what he would see would be raw and real, but arousing as well.
When deciding to expose my self on the web I knew that based upon this past experience I would have to get past my body issues and worries about being imperfect. In the beginning I was concerned that I would feel insecure about my breasts. Porn is notorious for massive boobage, something I don’t have. I thought I would feel pressured to get a breast enlargement. I did briefly consider it, but I quickly realized I was happy with my breasts as they were. I was very happy with my body and felt celebrated for my own natural attributes. In fact, I rarely ever wear my old Wonder Bra anymore. Porn has been good for this girl’s self image in many ways.
Part of that has to do with the talks I had with James. He helped me realise that there is no such thing as the perfect woman or man for everyone. We all have our distinct tastes and preferences when it comes to erotic material and who we find attractive. Some people find me attractive and enjoy my pictures and others do not. It isn’t anything personal against me, but more about the diversity of human beings.
I think what also helped me do so was to look at my own tastes. When it comes to pure physical attraction, I like certain body shapes over others. What makes my head turn or my eyes stare tends to be a certain type of man and a certain type of woman. I definitely know I prefer brunettes over blondes (men especially). So, I knew among the millions of people on the Internet, there was bound to be a few people who liked my look just as there are people I am particularly fond of. After becoming aware of this, I quickly came to terms with it all.
One expectation I had that turned out to be correct was that running your own adult site is work. Yes, I get to have some crazy sexual experiences that many people can only dream about, but it is still work. If I have a cold, I still have to do those updates, perform for my webcams shows and write those journal entries. We also can’t be away from home very long because James and I update the site very regularly. If we vacation, we must be able to get online. That leaves out more exotic places to travel to. However, that is the boring stuff.
More fascinating, is the sex part of the work. Now, I am letting you in on a big secret here. Having sex for a living is work and it takes some effort to make fantasy come to life. Even with an Amateur site which reflects my actual sexual lifestyle there is some artifice to it. For example, I never used to schedule my sexual activities. Having a site has caused me to do so. My photoshoots and especially my webcam shows are scheduled. Every Tuesday night at 9 PM and Wednesday at noon I know I am going to be partaking in some sexual activity. It is not as spontaneous as the rest of my sex life. Lucky for me, I do work well with planning. It helps me get into a sexual frame of mind and then give a good show for the viewers. I know that some performers get bogged down by the arranging of their sexual exploits. It can make things difficult sometimes.
The other reality of pornography that I learned early on is that what looks best on film is the most uncomfortable position possible for the model. Yes, if you see someone in a sexy posed shot chances are their backs are killing them. With the live shows I don’t have the same problem because I am in motion. This is a good thing as it lets me enjoy the sex itself. However, as a performer who is also the camera-person (as James and I are), in the back of your mind you are always thinking about the camera. For me this is mainly a turn-on because I enjoy performing for interested parties. However, you do have to focus on the camera angles and choosing positions that will give the viewer the best possible show. Non-exhibitionist sex tends to be just a blur of humping asses and this does not make for the best porn.
This being the case, my experience as a pornographer has greatly influenced my view and appreciation of porn. I know the inside scoop. While the sex isn’t faked, it is contrived and it isn’t perfect. The performers, even with their beautiful bodies, have self image concerns, the men don’t always have dependable erections or orgasms and accidents happen. One time I fell over while having anal sex on camera. It was hilarious and real. With Amateur porn you can’t always edit out such bloopers. Yet by leaving them in, it can make the porn very accessible to the viewers. My life may be a fantasy for them, but it is one they can share and understand. It is not out of reach.
Some people are disappointed by what they perceive as flaws and mistakes in porn. It bursts their sexual bubbles. For them mainstream porn is a better option. It can have a beauty and an idealness that allows them to escape for a short time. Nevertheless, I think it is healthy to have some reality mixed in with your fantasy. It helps you see the performers as the complex people they are and see yourself and your partners in comparison as just as sexy and arousing.
When I am old and grey (or more likely still a brunette covering it up), I think I will look back at my life in porn as being a good experience. As a viewer of porn I have been given a gift of seeing sexual possibilities and enhancing imagery. As a pornographer, I have been able to share my experiences and insights with others and offer them a gift in return for their support. On a selfish note, all of it has allowed me to feel better about my body, my abilities and my value as a sexual being. Most importantly, I feel it has allowed me to see the same qualities in others.
Originally published at Seska for Lovers 2000.