Dec 022013
 

Wow! It has been a while since I have shared a personal blog entry. It is not that I have not had a personal life. I have. That is one reason I have not written a personal post in some time. I have been busy with living life that I haven’t had much time to write about it. What has been keeping me from writing?

2013-09-21 20.35.30

recent camera phone pic

Family

I have been spending A LOT of time with family and loving it so much. Being an aunt is awesome. It has opened me up to so much love that I feel like I might burst. It has also made me work hard on being engaged and present in a whole new way. I find that so rewarding. It also involves travel as my niece is not in Montreal. When I am gone it means when I get home I have to play catch up on my different obligation and activities and some stuff has been at the bottom of the to do list. I have re-arranged some things and I should have a better schedule in 2014 once the holidays are over. Regular postings to come!!! Streamlining things!!!  Woo!!!

Burlesque

Speaking of streamlining, a bunch of that has been with regards to burlesque. I have combed through my costume collection a couple of times in the past year and focused my a selection for my strongest numbers – ones that I can do at more upscale shows and for private events. This has been a smart move and for the past few months I have been getting more gigs and even making some decent money off of my burlesque activities (decent is subjective of course – in my case it means more money coming in than going out). I have also been hosting more which is something I very much want to pursue in 2014. I like helping to hold a show together and showcase other artists. It is a very good feeling to bring the community together.

Fear & Other Stuff

It also hasn’t been that pressing for me to write about the ups and downs in my life as it was before because there have been a lot less of ups and downs. After a few very tumultuous years things have settled down for me. All my personal work has paid off and I am feeling very grounded and focused. There have been some bumps in the road, but I have dealt with them with a new found sense of equanimity. Thank you three years of therapy and my Buddhist influenced personal development work (mindfulness practices saved my life – truly).

Though I would be really deceiving myself (and you, my readers) if I said I am not also dealing with some fears. Money has been an issue. Depression and anxiety kept me pretty much flat on the floor for many months (on and off) which made working and earning an income pretty inconsistent. I have had to take a hard look at my expenses and the meager ways I can earn in living with adult content these days and look at other streams of revenue.

Last summer things finally came to a head and I did some major emotional and physical housekeeping and have spent much of the past 18 months cutting things and people out of my life, tying up lose ends (filed for the divorce and ended that chapter of my life officially), and creating a new foundation for my life.

Then there is my love life. I have a better understanding of what I want, but I am lacking some confidence. The risk of dating is very real to me. I cannot go about it as discretely as I would like as I have lived a very publicly documented life since 1998. Online dating holds zero interest for me as having online profiles and dealing with emails and strangers reaching out to me is something I have done on a daily basis for many, many years. Playing it light and sleeping around also doesn’t hold much interest for me. Again, it is something I did, albeit in a professional way, for a long time.

You could say I am looking for something new which in this day and age of extensive social networking is not easy to find. I am in the process of figuring out what it is. I expect I will know it or rather him or her – when I see it.

So, I haven’t given up hope, but I am feeling cautious, even risk averse. All in a self confident and self respecting way. I want to make smart choices and right now being single and solo (mostly solo – I still have a little fun with people I have known for a while – ones where we both know where we stand) is all part of this new foundation of mine.

 

Mar 042013
 

Seska - Rock & Tulle

Don’t get me wrong. There were many highlights during the shortest month of the year. It was my birthday at the beginning of the month and I had such meaningful happy moments with family and friends (including lots of aunt + niece time), but the month was also filled with a fair amount of travel, some illness (woo! gastro!) and a few interactions with toxic people (woo! emotional gastro!). There was also a walk down memory lane (woo! high school!) which had me feeling so disconnected.  I was unsure of how to be myself as I am now among people who knew me when. I behaved in such an awkward way and I didn’t feel like myself at all. I felt way more like how I felt in high school.

This is the deal. I have my tribe now. I can share all facets of my life with them. The fact that my work revolves around sexuality does not phase them. Remembering a time when I did not have that kind of openness and acceptance in my life is low on the enjoyable experience scale. Even lower is having to talk about myself with people who knew me as a child or adolescent, but not knowing how to express myself – my truth – without alienating those I care about.

I feel trapped in the sex work ghetto. I don’t want to feel like that forever.

This theme of what to reveal and how to reveal has been coming up quite a bit in my mind recently, but it is not a new thing. When I began my porn work it was easy. I would be super vague. I create websites, is what I told people. Never told them what kind of websites or that I was the star of the content – except with my nearest and dearest friends. Then there were those people from my hometown and who I went to high school – some lovely person outed me in a big dramatic way and it spread like wicked stomach flu (woo! 3rd gastro reference in one post!). Most people who found my website usually didn’t say anything to my face. Nope. They talked behind my back. It made (and still makes for) this disconnect between us. The elephant in the room. I hate it.

I kept doing my thing – making porn with friends, sharing so much of myself to a nameless (often demanding and insensitive public – the bad apples ruining in for the good ones), travelling to industry conferences, doing hour long webcam shows 5 days a week, more sharing, HTML coding and writing about sex.  I started to feel like the only thing that I had in my life was my site and the only way I interacted with people was through porn. I was feeling cloistered in the XXX world. I was ready for different experiences.

So, I became a sex worker rights activist. I joined a community group and went to conferences and organized workshops for other sex workers. I got sick with an auto-immune disease and realized how fragile my life was because if my body wasn’t working I would lose my livelihood. I began running with a group of women my age. The kind that follow mommy blogs and drive minivans (didn’t out myself to them – we mostly talked running). I set running goals and met them. I did a 21K. I began doing burlesque and vaudeville. I created and produced shows and plays.

My world expanded and so did I.

Still, I kept a big part of me and my life away from these new experiences. I even thought after my separation that I could change my life all together and start a totally new career. Lots of trial and error and a bunch of reflection has led me to see that I don’t want to do that. I am passionate about sexuality and want to continue my work in the field AND I want to stop having such a major part of my life, a major part of who I am, hidden away. I have had enough of it.

It is funny because when it comes to my porn work I did my best to share so much more than sex with my fans and the members of my site. I wanted them to see me as more than a sex object. By talking about other aspects of my life – family, friends, my struggles, my dreams, etc – I think I accomplished that. But when it came to my non-porn life I didn’t know how to include sex work into the conversation. And I know why.

Fear of judgement and rejection. Experience has taught me that these fears are valid. It happened numerous times and put a huge burden on my relationships with my immediate family. The judgement, I know, says more about the person doing the judging than it does about me. Doesn’t mean I am not hurt by it. Oh, this sex negative, sex work stigmatized world, you don’t make things easy for anyone.

Note: I am fairly comfortable talking to new people about my work – blogging, sex education and even porn. I can even speak with confidence and clarity in these situations. This is not the case with family or connections from my past. In these situations I am bumbling mess filled with fears and angst. 

Over the past three years therapy has helped me come to terms with all of this. It has helped me bring the issues to the forefront. Before they were mixed up with all my other uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Like a tangled mess of yarn.

Therapy has helped me get to know myself beyond the stories I had in my head and the more I accept myself the stronger I feel. I am now ready to bring all the areas of my life, all aspects of who I am and what I do, together. I am ready to stop saying I am a webmaster when people ask me what I do. I no longer need to be super vague – even lie – when they ask what sites I work on. I am ready to say the truth as it stands right now…

I am a writer.

If they ask what I write about I will say the truth – that I write about sexuality and relationships. If they want to know more I can say more. I am curious and passionate about the issues of body image, gender dynamics, sex entertainment and sex worker activism. I also am an educator and speak at universities, seminars and conferences. I am developing a series of sex-ed for adults workshops and working on an e-book.

I am ready to use the appropriate title and description for me – all of me as I am right now.

* When writing this blog post I took some inspiration from this training video from Marie Forleo about reinventing yourself. I really dig her and her work. You might too.

Jan 162013
 

Seska LeeOn this night three years ago I voiced in confidence what I had decided to do. I was terribly lost and ever so afraid. The build up to the worst day of my life. Afterwards, one of the only things that made sense to me were sentimental songs. Their lyrics resonated as my heart broke and I feared that I was losing my mind.

I was cruising about on the net and found another sentimental song to bookend this experience. I am so satisfied by the transformation. I truthfully didn’t think it was possible.

It came to pass.
It did not come to stay.

I am sharing this because I know we all process and transform in our own ways, but music is often there for us, with us. I felt so alone and like with all things I discovered I never really am. We never are.

River http://youtu.be/xCov0TYXBp8
Landslide http://youtu.be/WM7-PYtXtJM
Because The Night http://youtu.be/zKh1ZRyrQXY
See You When You’re 40 http://youtu.be/BxxGIjqTM_Q
Brand New Me http://youtu.be/wOSv1TIa58M

Oct 082012
 

I am alive. I am here. I am me.

As I made these observations I began to weep. The experience was so fucking intense. All of it. Its aftermath has me stunned, alert, embolden.

I was exploring images in mind. Experiences I have not had, but know so well. Power exchange, seduction, pleasure, control, stimulation, fear, desire, trust. Lovers and scenerios that have never been quite this way and might never be – at least not in this combination ,but fantasies are not limited by logistics.

The thread that ties them together in my mind is strong, obvious, unique – mine.

As I lay there by myself, my eyes shut, moans escaping my lips I went somewhere hidden, dark and pure.

I have been compartmentalizing for so long. It is necessary for a certain sphere of my life. Absolutely necessary. But it has cut me off. Frozen me. Made me so afraid of myself. I was aware of this, but had no idea how to change it, counterbalance it, live it differently. The sphere must exist for my survival, but it cannot be the only sphere or the sphere that dominates. It must have its place and I must allow for more. I can do this now.

And so as I came I felt my soul escape from its cage. A cage that had protected it, but was no longer needed.

And I wept with the experience of my freedom – freedom that only I am able to provide for myself.

 

Aug 172012
 

OK, the title is not terribly original. Neither is the fact that there are changes going on in my life. Still, the title feels appropriate because these most recent changes feel rather special and Bowie quote worthy.

You may have noticed that my public site looks a fair bit different. My goodness, is it ever exciting to see the vision that I have had simmering in my mind for a good year come to life. Obviously, when the vision began forming I was not sure what it was exactly. It took some time for it to form.

Instagram photo from one of my late night musing sessions.

I knew what some stuff that worked in the past was not right for me anymore. I recognized I was older (40 not 28), single (and finally feeling some stability once again), and I had different resources available to me (woo hoo Word Press and other web-based goodies). I knew that my inspirations were different than they were five years ago and even more different than they were ten and fifteen years ago. While my values remained the same (authenticity, openness and positivity), I needed change how I go about my life’s work. Not radically, but meaningfully. I wrote about this while I was in the midst of the process here and here.

And now you are starting to see the results of these reflections (and a bunch of researching and training). I knew I had to use  this amazing platform and my pretty darn unique life experiences. This feels like the best way for me to take advantage of it all, use it as a tool to help others seeking their own personal sexual growth, and let that little light of mine shine.

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I am still working on my editorial calendar, but you can expect to see a nice mix of entertainment and education, visual and written, serious and silly. I am multi-dimensionsal and multi-passionate so you can expect www.seska.com to reflect that as it always has.

Once I get into a rhythm I am going to be including some video blogging again. I really like doing that. I just need to work out the best way to shoot and deliver the quality I want.

Is there anything in particular you would like to learn about? I have made some pretty amazing connections with people in all sorts of sex and relationship related fields and would love to share their knowledge with you. Post your questions in the comments. I look forward to hearing from you.

Jun 042012
 

And so the month of June begins! I love the month of June. Its typically a busy month for me and this year it is no different. The main reason being its the Montreal Fringe Festival. I usually have at least one performance as part of their schedule and I always try to see a handful of the plays. This year I am producing and starring in an Acme Burlesque show as part of the festival’s After Dark series (June 7th at 9pm at MainLine Theatre!!!).  I will be doing a very short performance tonight for the launch of the schedule to promote it. Each production has 2 minutes to give the media filled audience a tease of their show. Now burlesque is all about tease so I have that covered, but then again I just have two minutes and I do not want to give it all away. So how do I tassel (my favourite burlesque move) without actually stripping that far down? I will need to be creative and a little silly but thankfully I have an idea on how to do so. The only question now is how much glitter do I leave on the stage?

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I was supposed to go on a first date on Sunday. I have not been on very many in my lifetime. If memory serves me correctly I have gone on 4 dates with three leading to a relationship. James (my ex-husband) and I never went on a date.  We were friends and spending an enormous amount of time together when we realized one night we had romantic feelings for each other. In any case, the date was canceled because the fella has the flu. Its going around. A couple of other friends have it as well. I was looking forward to the date, but also a bit nervous. I have been doing a lot of reading and self reflection these past two years as I try to learn from past mistakes and leave bad habits that only serve to distance me from friends, lovers and partners behind. Part of me wishes I could go back in time and behave differently. I did love those men. I am sorry it did not work out. But that is the past. I can only go into the future with a better frame of mind and an improved skill set when it comes to love and life.

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In this process of self reflection and personal growth I have read over a dozen self help and relationship advice books. Some books have not been terribly helpful and others very much so. 2 examples…

Not only insulting in title, but also in theme. The only person I think you can change is yourself and that’s a tough enough job as it is. And even if you can change other people, its based on manipulation and game playing. How tiring and draining is that? Not really the energy I want to put out into this world. I think the book is supposed to be humourous, but it came off as bitter. No one seemed like a joy to date – the people interviewed or the author. Everyone seems self centered and needy (something I am trying to move away from). The exception being her shrink who she consults for advice. He seemed quite insightful and quite likable.  The afterword was the best part of the book because it read as if the author had learned about herself during the process of looking back at her relationships and writing this book, but this realization came much too late in the book for me.

The title is a bit on the sensationalist side, but the content is totally grounded in common sense (granted, with a sassy tone). I actually felt like I was reading a book about Buddhism without any of the Buddhist terminology (i.e. the author discusses getting caught up in the stories we tell ourselves as well as the benefits of being present in the moment and acknowledging reality).  Yes, I can see how the book is about being an appealing, desirable person, but its not about the end result of finding a man. Its about living a rich life. Vitality is something I value and I realize that I have been behaving in ways that speak to my stories and false thinking rather than my truths. Anything but rich and vital. The hard part about reading this book is I realized how many choices I have made that have been very alienating  (especially in my most recent relationship, but really in all of them). However, these realizations are actually not as painful as the bad habits themselves. I am making changes, embracing her ‘secrets’ and  I feel very inspired and motivated for the future in terms of relationships, but even more so for my life in general.

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The Monday Méli Mélo is a weekly blog entry where I catch you up on my various activities. Méli Mélo is a French term for mishmash or hodge podge. I could have called these entries the Monday Mix, but as I live in Montreal I have all sorts of French words mixed up in my English vocabulary. Its one of the things we Montrealers love about our city and its affect on our language brains. We are all a little mixed up!

 

May 072012
 

Happy Monday everyone! It feels like a happy one for me. The sun is up. The sky is big and blue. I made myself a cup of delicious coffee. I had to grind the beans myself because I forgot to do it yesterday at the awesome 100% organic shop near my place, but . Its also a happy Monday because I woke up to two cats inches from my face and their whiskers grazing my nose. Sure, I wanted to sleep some more. I had gone to bed the night before at 12:30AM and it was 6:43AM. More sleep was needed. However, it is a happy feeling to be needed and those cats need me.

Other happy things for me on this day is I followed up on some advice I got from a personalized reading with Ophira of www.astrostyle.com.  I ordered the book Astrology for the Soul by Jan Spiller which explores the North and South Nodes of the Moon in astrological charts. Now, if astrology is not for you, that is fine. However, I think you should keep reading anyway because it brought be some great insights. You may not agree with the way in which I got them, but I think you might appreciate the insights themselves. I know I have.

So, during my reading Ophira explained to me what the North and South Nodes of the Moon represent in your astrological chart – something I was not familiar with. As soon as I had it explained to me I knew this was amazing information that could change my life. Really. And it is one that fits with all the other amazing, yet often painful, insights I have been having in my personal growth work, therapy and from the other resources I have been learning from.

As my regular readers know I have been in a state of flux. I ended my marriage in 2010, I had a very messy rebound relationship, and I have been at a loss regarding what to do professionally. My well used ways and ideas have not been working for me for a long time. Like a sweater that once fit but no longer does, I was in need of something new and sized for me as I am now. Yes, these old skills and thought processes may have served me well in the past, but not anymore. So what is up with that? Looking at the South and North Nodes of my astrological chart helped me see what was/is going.

The South Node reveals the gifts that you bring into this lifetime, your sweet spot, your comfort zone. You will be innately good in these areas of life, and may begin your early path based on your South Node leanings. While this can bring a sense of satisfaction, it is unlikely to elevate you to Blissville. There’s a sense of “been there, done that” in the field of South Node activities. And indeed you have: in many past lifetimes.

The North Node is the exact opposite. It illuminates the terrain that’s calling your name, but climbing to the peak of this mountain is like trekking up Mt. Everest. You’ll have to lighten up your baggage and enlist a proverbial Sherpa to get you up that hill. It’s your learning curve. North Node activities require you to stretch out of your comfort zone. Once you do, you’ll be amazed by how fulfilled you feel. It’s like the activation of your life’s mission. The sooner you align yourself with this path, the more purpose-driven your life will become.

- Ophira and Tali of Astro Style

And for me specifically that means I need to release these traits:  attention-seeking, the desire for drama and materialism, and embrace these traits: team spiritedness, a sense of purpose and sustainable living.

Indeed! It all it makes sense!

I have explored with my therapist how easy it is for me to be a sexual superstar, how easy it is for me to get caught up in drama. It feeds me, but only on a furious, energetic ego driven level. It does not bring me happiness. It does not bring me a sense of calm. It brings me the exact opposite. It drives me bonkers. Still, getting out of my comfort zone feels to me much like the physical growing pains of adolescence, lots of ouch combined with its meant to be. It feels uncomfortable but it feels right.

Is it not interesting that I as struggled with what I find is easy but unfulfilling that I joined the board of directors for Head and Hands – a not profit organization that provides health, legal and social services for people 12-25? Is it not interesting that I have been trying to bring the burlesque community together and support emerging artists with projects like the Montreal Burlesque Social Club and Acme Burlesque? Is in not interesting that I felt stifled by limiting my online activities to porn and created Seska for Lovers and Seskuality to broaden my horizons and those of my website visitors?

Indeed! It all it makes sense!

I am very much looking forward to getting the book. I want to learn more about this release and embrace. I know at my core I must continue doing it because when I do it I feel like I am wearing a cozy sweater that was made to order, made with lots of love too.  Ah, fashion as spiritual analogy. What fun!

Please leave a comment if any of this resonates with you. I share my struggles and my successes with you because I love the connection this wild world wide web offers us.  I love it when you share your experiences with me!

 

May 062012
 

Here is an essay I wrote in 2000 on how I came about to creating and running my own Amateur XXX website and some of the expected and unexpected results of this choice. I find it interesting and important to look back because it helps me see where I am today and to look forward towards tomorrow. Kind of like the Warrior 2 pose in yoga. I really love that pose. But I digress.

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I discovered online porn during the BBS days when I was living with roommates during university (in 1993). One good buddy of mine used to like to find extreme pictures and leave them on the desktop with the caption “click on this if you dare”. Of course we would all take the dare and then would see some horrid picture of (I have to censor myself due to my billing company – what I saw usually was violent or involved animals). I didn’t let these images dissuade me from looking for Internet sites. I just knew what I did not like from viewing them.

Once I got my own computer and internet connect it became the days of the world wide web and I found out what I truly enjoyed – it was information over tantalisation. I was eager to read up on some of my new sexual interests: fetish clothing, BDSM and swinging. I started local. I surfed for stores and clubs in my area. I read everything I could get my hands on that pertained to the rules and etiquette of the different scenes. It was very educational and gave me food for fantastical thought. At that point my boyfriend at the time James and I began attending fetish nights and we experimented with swinging. Overall, it was a learning experience which helped us figure out what were our turn-ons and what suited us best as a couple.

Around this same time (1996) I discovered a link to Carol Cox’s Amateur Site. It was a rich resource for me. Not only did it have pictures of real people having sex which I found very arousing, but it was also a door to another world for me. One I was terribly intrigued by.

James and I were quite excited that one of the most well known and successful Amateurs on the Internet happened to live in our city and we had the opportunity to get to meet her. We decided to attend one of her advertised gatherings. It was held at a local swingers’ club. We approached her at the beginning of the night and said hello. She introduced us to her husband and the four of us hit it off. In short order, we became good friends. It was with their encouragement and support that James and I decided to create an Amateur adult site of our own. We were now to become pornographers instead of being just viewers of it.

About two or three years before this, I had made an attempt to perform in front of the camera. It was for a personal video for James. We videotaped ourselves having sex. I actually did not enjoy looking at this particular video, but James enjoyed it immensely. I think I found it difficult to watch myself be sexual in combination with the imperfections I saw. I was quite critical of the low production quality of our tape (poor sound, poor lighting, and poor camera angles), as well as the faults I saw in my physical characteristics. I was very hard on myself. James was much more generous. He watched the video with the expectation of flaws and naturalness. He knew what he would see would be raw and real, but arousing as well.

When deciding to expose my self on the web I knew that based upon this past experience I would have to get past my body issues and worries about being imperfect. In the beginning I was concerned that I would feel insecure about my breasts. Porn is notorious for massive boobage, something I don’t have. I thought I would feel pressured to get a breast enlargement. I did briefly consider it, but I quickly realized I was happy with my breasts as they were. I was very happy with my body and felt celebrated for my own natural attributes. In fact, I rarely ever wear my old Wonder Bra anymore. Porn has been good for this girl’s self image in many ways.

Part of that has to do with the talks I had with James. He helped me realise that there is no such thing as the perfect woman or man for everyone. We all have our distinct tastes and preferences when it comes to erotic material and who we find attractive. Some people find me attractive and enjoy my pictures and others do not. It isn’t anything personal against me, but more about the diversity of human beings.

I think what also helped me do so was to look at my own tastes. When it comes to pure physical attraction, I like certain body shapes over others. What makes my head turn or my eyes stare tends to be a certain type of man and a certain type of woman. I definitely know I prefer brunettes over blondes (men especially). So, I knew among the millions of people on the Internet, there was bound to be a few people who liked my look just as there are people I am particularly fond of. After becoming aware of this, I quickly came to terms with it all.

One expectation I had that turned out to be correct was that running your own adult site is work. Yes, I get to have some crazy sexual experiences that many people can only dream about, but it is still work. If I have a cold, I still have to do those updates, perform for my webcams shows and write those journal entries. We also can’t be away from home very long because James and I update the site very regularly. If we vacation, we must be able to get online. That leaves out more exotic places to travel to. However, that is the boring stuff.

More fascinating, is the sex part of the work. Now, I am letting you in on a big secret here. Having sex for a living is work and it takes some effort to make fantasy come to life. Even with an Amateur site which reflects my actual sexual lifestyle there is some artifice to it. For example, I never used to schedule my sexual activities. Having a site has caused me to do so. My photoshoots and especially my webcam shows are scheduled. Every Tuesday night at 9 PM and Wednesday at noon I know I am going to be partaking in some sexual activity. It is not as spontaneous as the rest of my sex life. Lucky for me, I do work well with planning. It helps me get into a sexual frame of mind and then give a good show for the viewers. I know that some performers get bogged down by the arranging of their sexual exploits. It can make things difficult sometimes.

The other reality of pornography that I learned early on is that what looks best on film is the most uncomfortable position possible for the model. Yes, if you see someone in a sexy posed shot chances are their backs are killing them. With the live shows I don’t have the same problem because I am in motion. This is a good thing as it lets me enjoy the sex itself. However, as a performer who is also the camera-person (as James and I are), in the back of your mind you are always thinking about the camera. For me this is mainly a turn-on because I enjoy performing for interested parties. However, you do have to focus on the camera angles and choosing positions that will give the viewer the best possible show. Non-exhibitionist sex tends to be just a blur of humping asses and this does not make for the best porn.

This being the case, my experience as a pornographer has greatly influenced my view and appreciation of porn. I know the inside scoop. While the sex isn’t faked, it is contrived and it isn’t perfect. The performers, even with their beautiful bodies, have self image concerns, the men don’t always have dependable erections or orgasms and accidents happen. One time I fell over while having anal sex on camera. It was hilarious and real. With Amateur porn you can’t always edit out such bloopers. Yet by leaving them in, it can make the porn very accessible to the viewers. My life may be a fantasy for them, but it is one they can share and understand. It is not out of reach.

Some people are disappointed by what they perceive as flaws and mistakes in porn. It bursts their sexual bubbles. For them mainstream porn is a better option. It can have a beauty and an idealness that allows them to escape for a short time. Nevertheless, I think it is healthy to have some reality mixed in with your fantasy. It helps you see the performers as the complex people they are and see yourself and your partners in comparison as just as sexy and arousing.

When I am old and grey (or more likely still a brunette covering it up), I think I will look back at my life in porn as being a good experience. As a viewer of porn I have been given a gift of seeing sexual possibilities and enhancing imagery. As a pornographer, I have been able to share my experiences and insights with others and offer them a gift in return for their support. On a selfish note, all of it has allowed me to feel better about my body, my abilities and my value as a sexual being. Most importantly, I feel it has allowed me to see the same qualities in others.

Originally published at Seska for Lovers 2000.

 

Apr 182012
 

I was away! I went on vacation! I didn’t use a computer and I only texted to let my friends and family know I arrived safely (OK, I also sent a couple of friends some texts about my observations). But still it was quite a tech free time. Instead, I spent my days reading, writing and swimming. I spent my nights looking at the stars and sleeping (having such wild and vivid dreams).

I stayed at a small resort. I think their maximum capacity is 80 people. There were about 40 when I went. Mostly seniors as well as a few younger couples and a handful of single men who expected a much more ‘fun’ resort. They approached me, not understanding that A) I was there alone B) that I wanted to be left alone and C) how to leave me alone. I had to be blunt. It was the only unpleasant thing about my trip. The rest was exactly as I wanted it to be.

I wanted to be away from the singles-on-vacation scene. I had no desire for bars, discos and shows. I wanted to get away so I could regroup, think, process.  I wanted to give my broken heart some respite. It was the perfect trip for that. I journalled A LOT. I will go through it and see if I can find some goodies to share. In the meantime here are  a few pics I took. I also took video. I will need to edit it together before I can post it.