Making Sex a Priority

 Advice, Sex Ed  No Responses »
Mar 062013
 

Most of us lead busy lives. It’s all about kids, work, household responsibilities, social obligations and those damn bills. We have a lot going on. What we do not have going on is sex.

 Almost 2/3 of us don’t feel we have sex often enough.

44% “are fully satisfied with their sex lives.” (that means 56% is not)

Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey

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All those busy life things can have significant and un-welcomed consequences on our sex lives.  And the reason why we let those things get in the way of a satisfying sex life is because we don’t make sex a priority. We might make it one in our thoughts, but not in our actions. Why? We think sex should just happen. We never learned the communication skills to talk about sex and desire. We hold onto old misconceptions about sex. We focus on what we will get rather than what we can give.

Then few years go by and we find we have a home, a bunch of stuff filling the rooms (and the credit card debt to go with it), our kids are spending their weekdays school and their weekends in front a screen, but we are feeling empty and disconnected from the person we love. We aren’t having sex often enough and the sex we do have is unsatisfying – no intimacy, no connection, no spark. We are alone, lost and in a weird state of craving.

If this is you, read on for some advice based on my research AND my own real-life experiences of how to make sex a priority.

Sex is Important

Sex is a very influential part of couple-dom. It keeps you connected. This happens on a biochemical level and on a psychological level. Sex also has physiological benefits: lowers blood pressure, improves your immunity, increases heart health, burns calories, and much more.

How can you get back into a good sex life groove?

You have to decide what it is you actually want and make the changes. And doing nothing, accepting your status quo, or not acting are all decisions.

I know. So scary either way.

But if you want a satisfying sex life, then you need to make that a priority. It won’t happen magically by itself. The magic comes from you and your actions.

You are never given a dream without also being given the power to make it come true.

-Richard Bach

I got this quote from a video by my business and life guru Marie Forleo. You absolutely must watch it. It is all about how to get the life you want and it can totally be applied more specifically to your sex life. Watch it, then come back here and let me help you along with…

A Few How Tos

So now that you have decided that you want to bring some sexy back into your relationship and have some ideas what to do from the exercise in the Marie Forleo video, you gotta take some action.

First, start with you.

Stop blaming your partner. Just stop. Blame doesn’t make anything better and certainly not an intimate relationship. It only makes for more bitterness, resentment and frustration.

Realize that while you are in this together all you can control are your thoughts and actions. Take a moment to consider how these thoughts and actions are working for you? They aren’t. You need to change them up if you want your sex life to change. The neat thing that happens is that you changing will also affect the other person. They will change too. Whether these changes lead to the result you want, I cannot say. What I do know is if you do nothing or the same thing over and over again, then you will just have more of the same old same old.

This leads me to couples counselling. Maybe you both need to learn new ways of communicating. We could all use a little help with that. It’s not something we are born. It is not taught in schools. Actually, bad communication skills are what we are exposed to more often than not (think about your family of origin).

If your partner will not go to counselling, then go by yourself.  Dudes, listen up on this one. Doing personal work like therapy will bring such richness to you life. Therapy might seem like a touchy feel thing to do and it is. You get in touch with your feelings and learn what you can do to improve your situation. Again, the only thing we can actually control are our thoughts and actions. No one else’s. Some introspective combined with learning new strategies to deal with our frustrations is a good, healthy thing AND very well might lead to more touching and feeling.

Think about it.

Explore Your Own Sensuality

You are born alone and you die alone. I say this to myself all the time. I do not see it as depressing. I see it as a statement of self reliance and self nurture. When it comes to sex sure I masturbate, but I also tap into different sensations and pleasures as often as possible. When I was in a relationship this was an absolute must. When I didn’t do sensual things by myself I felt off my game.

Food – I like it when it is spicy and is covered in sauce.  Eating with my hands is terrific to me. Ethiopian is a favourite.

Movement – I have little dance parties in my underwear. They say you should dance like no one is watching. I say, dance when no one is watching. Let go!

Relaxation – I take a hot bath with fragrant oils once a week. I soak in the tub, enjoy a whiskey, listen to slow beat pounding music in the dark or with a few candles surrounding me.

Plan It – Schedule It

It may not sound very sexy, but scheduling time for sex can make a big difference. What I really like about scheduling sex is the anticipation of it. When I had a primary partner I liked to look at my agenda and know that the little star with the happy face next to it indicated that I would be meeting up with him to share some sexy time together. It made me think back to when we were dating and how I would look forward to our special date night. You can have that feeling again. You just have to plan for it.

Now, scheduling something on Friday night works well for setting up babysitting, but there are other more spontaneous options that can be managed as well. Arrange a nooner. Send each other notes to build up the anticipation for your secret rendezvous. Have a little phone sex when you are away on business trips! Be inappropriate while at work and do some sexting.

Make It Weird

Doing it at unusual times, in wacky places and in different ways can really rev things up. Have a make out session in the car. Have sex with most of your clothes on. Do it before you go to church.

While I think adding some sex toys, watching porn, wearing sexy lingerie or introducing kink to your sex life can help at times, but I think doing simpler exciting things will have more lasting impact. Pick a wild, exhilarating activity and do it together (no kids allowed). Sky diving, scuba diving, jet skiing, wall climbing, roller coasters – be adventurous! More of a homebody? Watch a scary movie. Whatever it is it needs to have some thrill to it and you need to do it together.

Connect When You Are Not Being Typically Sexual

Think about being affectionate even if it won’t lead to sex. Especially if it won’t. Hold hands in public. Snuggle on the couch.  Sneak in some tender caresses. Dry hump a little. Pat each other on the bum when you are in the kitchen. Slow dance. Think of what brings about butterfly feelings. Do that.

In a nutshell: Reflect, decide and act. Stop blaming. Take responsibility. Be creative. Do it for you and whoever you love.

For more on the topic of how our sex lives can change when we are in a long term partnership, I highly recommend this book…

Essay based on a piece originally published at Seska for Lovers in 2004.

How To Talk About Sex

 Advice, Sex Ed, Sex Super Star  No Responses »
Dec 192012
 

Seska Lee - Norm Edwards

 

In most of the West we have something that author John Ince calls the “sexual hush” – see his book The Politics Of Lust. We don’t like to talk about sex except in sensationalist and negative ways or we just don’t talk about it at all (even if we do “it”).

It starts when we are young. Most children can name their body parts, but don’t learn the proper names for their genitals. This is especially the case with female genitals. Even among teenagers, large numbers are unable to accurately label sex organs. As people get older it does not get much better. Many men and women have vague notions of female genitalia (or as some people call it “down there). The key area of female pleasure, the clitoris, is often neglected because people cannot find where it is. I have girlfriends who have had the unfortunate experience of having a guy poke at their urethra thinking it was the clitoris. I have had this experience.

There is also a great deal of misinformation about sexual health and well being. The Kinsey Institute reported that only 20% of American adults could give correct answers to twelve of eighteen questions about sexuality (i.e. normal penis size, how HIV is contracted and when females can get pregnant). This lack of knowledge plays a big role in the risky choices we often make.

As children we rarely got comprehensive sex education from schools or from our parents. I got the “bird and bees” talk as a kid (and was obsessed with this beautiful little book I had about how females get pregnant). I also remember when I was a teenager that my father told me “boys don’t get pregnant” before I went away for a fully supervised weekend at my male friend’s ski chalet. Thankfully, I was an inquisitive teen so I did a lot of reading on my own (my favourite book being The Teenage Body Book) and that helped me make some good and safe decisions and see sex as a positive and healthy part of who I am.

However, most of the public discourse we have about sex is negative: disease, unwanted pregnancy, abuse, and assault. We seem to forget that sex offers willing participants great pleasure and it has many benefits (i.e. arousal and orgasm can be a good pain reliever, promotes nurturing and affection, and reduces stress). But sex is still shrouded in shame and guilt.

So with all this baggage what are we supposed to do? How can we talk about sex and get the most out of it?

A Few Tips

1 – Inform yourself. Learn all you can about sexual arousal and response. You probably have a good sense at what gets you off, but why not discover or re-discover how it all comes about. Understanding how the physical response of sexual arousal and orgasm occurs (in both men and women) will help you deal with any problems that may come your way.

2 – Explore your body. The key to having good sex with a partner is having good sex with you. When you know what you like you are in a much better position to ask for it of someone else.

3 – Don’t make fun of or judge when someone (especially your partner) shares something personal about sex. Sure, some things are meant as a joke. A friend told me about how she was having sex on the kitchen counter and then accidentally spilled some Draino and sat on it – that was funny and we laughed together about her sex accident. But sometimes a friend or partner is looking for acceptance not laughs when she/he tells you something. It can be scary sharing something personal. Keep that in mind.

4 – Sexual activity has risks, such as sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies, so you need to be able to discuss them. Don’t expect these issues to be handled by themselves. Talk about it before you get too far. At the very least you need to able to say, “let me get a condom from my bag”.

5 – Talk about the good stuff. Use words, sounds and actions to let your partner know that you are enjoying yourself.

Originally published at Seska for Lovers in 2005.

Part of the How to Feel Like a Sex Superstar series.

Dealing with Husband’s Viewing of Porn

 Advice, Sex Ed  No Responses »
Dec 182012
 

Dear Seska,

I have been married for two years. And I thought that I had a really great open honest relationship with my husband, until I walked in on him one night. I explained that I don’t care if he looks at porn as long as he’s not looking at “real” people that he could go meet with. (Not trying to hurt your feelings). The only thing that I wanted was for him to tell me when he looked at it so that 1) I wouldn’t find it and flip out and 2) We could watch it together.

Well I found new porn on my computer (on my anniversary non the less) and I asked him why he didn’t just tell me about it. And his response was that I had said it was ok and he didn’t feel the need to tell me every thing he does.

But my feelings are that I’m not a Porn Star and no-where near one. I’m not comfortable with my sexuality and it hurts to have him looking at other girls. I mean we are really young (20 and 21) and we have a kid. And to me this is just one more thing that he does that I’m not apart of. And I have no idea how to include myself in it and not get upset about the situation.

ANY advice you have for some one like me would be greatly appreciated because this is causing a huge rift in my seemingly perfect world that all of a sudden came crashing down!

Thanks

Porn Computer

I think when it comes to an agreement made between spouses both people involved need to do their best to live up to the agreement and be accountable when they break the agreement. However, I am unclear if in your situation that the agreement you made with your husband was clear to both of you. His response seems to indicate that he had a different understanding than you over his behaviour. You really need to make sure you are on the same page on this matter.

Sit down together and discuss the role you want porn to play in your lives as individuals and as a couple. The timing of this kind of discussion is crucial. You should not try to hash out an agreement or compromise during a fight or a tense time. Pick a time when you can both give your full attention.

You should discuss things in a non-defensive way. Use “I” statements (such as I feel lonely when you look at porn without me), not “you” statements (such as you look at porn because you don’t find me attractive). Make suggestions not demands. Do not assume you know why the other person is doing or not doing something. Do not use threats, sarcasm, name calling, labelling or absolutes. They are not helpful. For some communication skill ideas check out Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking (it also has some excellent suggestions on how to create a more passionate relationship).

A few other thoughts…

You mentioned that you are not comfortable with your sexuality and your appearance. This is something that you need to address both for yourself and for your relationship with your husband. Owning your sexuality is so important. You may not feel in touch with your sexuality, but you have the potential to be as sexy as you want to be. A good book on this subject is Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving. I also am working a series of articles about how to feel like a sex super star that might help you with sexual confidence.

Comparing yourself to the porn models and performers is not realistic. What you see in porn is a fabricated version of sexual fantasy. In the case of mainstream porn it is highly controlled and stylized. In the case of Amateur porn it is just one part of a regular woman’s life. She also gets bloated, hates doing laundry, picks up after their children and all that everyday stuff (some gals in the business like myself share this kind of stuff with their viewers, while others choose not to, but that does not mean they don’t have their bad or mundane moments in life).

As a viewer of porn, male or female, it is important to remember that what you are seeing is a commercial version of sex just as soap operas and romantic comedies are commercial versions of love. They are not real life. Expecting you or your partner to live up to those kinds of fantasies is unrealistic.

Another thing to consider is that men tend to use porn as masturbatory material while women use porn as a springboard to future sex with their partners. Porn is likely not something he wants to look at instead of having sex with you, it is likely something he wants to use simply during masturbation. Men tend to be able to easily compartmentalise this kind of sexual behaviour and they feel it has no bearing whatsoever on their love and desire for their partners.

Telling him not look at porn when he masturbates could be alienating and it may make porn even more exciting for him because you are making it even more forbidden. Just something to consider. Now if he chooses masturbation instead of having partnered sex with you on a regular basis then you have something more to explore.

I hope my take on things is helpful to you.

If you have a sex or relationship question for me, contact me and I will post replies here. Your anonymity will be preserved.

Sex Mistake – Making Assumptions

 Advice, Sex Ed, Sex Mistakes  No Responses »
Nov 282012
 

One of the biggest sex mistakes (hell, life mistakes) is making assumptions. What happens when you make sex assumptions?

Bad sex, dangerous sex, boring sex, no sex, and a bunch of other not-so-fun sex possibilities.

Avoid it all by…

 

Never Assuming Anything

When it comes to sex you need to communicate – out loud, with words. Mind reading is for carnivals, not the bedroom or where ever you choose to get it on.

Let’s break it down…

Sexually Transmitted Infections

Don’t assume that your partner is ‘clean’ based on their appearance, history, background or even their claims to be STI free. Only a test will tell you this about your partner – and about yourself.

The tricky thing about STI tests is they will only reflect one point in time. If it is a chlamydia test, then it will let you know that when your lover (friend, wife, stranger, partner, hook-up, husband – who ever) took the test the result will be their chlamydia status at that moment in time. They may have engaged in sexual activities since then and their status may have changed. With HIV the window is three months. The test lets you know their status three months prior to taking the test. That is a lot of time to have other sexual encounters.

So do not assume. Get tested (even with the window it is sooo much better than not testing) and educate yourself in safer sex measures. I will write more in the future on how to talk with your partner(s) about STIs, testing and protection. Having that conversation is scary, but very important.

Desire

Don’t assume that a potential partner or your current one has the same level of desire as you. Same thing with their attractions, turn-ons, favourite position, favourite time of day to fool around.

Don’t assume that desire is a constant in your life or others. Ebbs and flows, people. The body changes as it ages. Outside factors can affect you. Body image can be a big one. Feel crappy about how you look can equate to some libido issues. So can sexual functioning. A man with erectile difficulties can have concerns about performance so much so that their desire is diminished.

That brings me to stress and desire. Don’t assume because sex is a stress reliever for you that it is for your partner. A massage might work wonders for them and once the stress is dealt with, then they feel like getting it on. Or they might want a nap and a cuddle.

Body Language

Actions are not always louder than words. While there is something to be said about the power of body language, not everyone knows how to read signals.  Not everyone knows how to send them out either (that’d be me on both counts – I am flirtation challenged). And who is to say that there is only one language when it comes to the body? One person’s wink could be a flirty move. Another’s nervous habit.

I do have one exception. If someone is ignoring you or playing it very cool – pay attention to that. If you have fooled around with someone and you would like to spend more time with them (and have said as much), and then they give you the cold shoulder (especially in public) it is a sign of someone not being on the same page as you. A conversation to address the issue may be worth it to resolve the issue, but be prepared to walk away. I think it is the wiser thing to do. I have learned this the hard way. I’d love for you to avoid that.

Solutions

I know thinking about sex – or even worse – talking about sex can be awkward. Is avoiding it worth it? Is unsatisfying sex worth it? I don’t think so. Here is the beginnings of a how-to.

First you absolutely need to reflect on your sexuality and what you want. This requires being honest with yourself and others. Explore your comfort level with sexuality your and those of others. Figure out what are your biases and how to look beyond them and see yourself and others will compassion. I know this is scary. We have so many shameful and taboo feelings when it comes to sex. I like looking at this and going beyond it. This has been the key for me in having a super satisfying sex life.

Check out The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment. This is a great book to help you get started.

Learn how to communicate your desires. This involves more than just talking. You need to be able to actively listen. You need to not be on the defensive or the offensive. Again – scary. You risk rejection and disappointment. But it is better to have an awkward conversation and not express things perfectly than to not say anything at all. That creates resentment and that can poison and even kill most every relationship.

I am a big fan of the If the Buddha… series. You might want to check out If the Buddha Married: Creating Enduring Relationships on a Spiritual Path (Compass)to help you along if you are in a long term partnership. If you are single grab a copy of If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path

More tips and tools are coming your way. Stay tuned!!!

Eat Your Way to Sexy Town

 Advice, Sex Ed, Sex Super Star  No Responses »
Nov 072012
 

If you want to be a sex super star you need to look like one, right? I am not talking about the stereotype with breast implants, collagen lips or hair extensions. That’s not my thing. I prefer something a little more budget friendly, low maintenance and less invasive.

What I am talking about is that great glow you get when you have an orgasm (if you are struggling with that one – I have articles about that too).

Your Post Orgasm Look

After we have an orgasm, both men and women, have bright and flushed skin plus glistening eyes. Our hair is tussled and we have a smile on our lips. We might also be laughing. Its a common post-orgasm reaction. I have had more than one lover do it and I have been known to do it myself even when I have been by myself. Sexual pleasure and laughter feels good and the combo makes you look amazing.

Get That Glow Before You Have Sex

Having sex can help you get that glow, but what about before sex? Since looking like a sex super star is a body thing I think it comes down to what you put into your body. So let me get out my nurition books (I went back to school in nutrition in 2010), bring into the conversation my great friends who currently work in the field and share with you foods that make you radiate with super star sexiness.

PSST it’s all about antioxidants (which is a  substance such as vitamin C or E that removes potentially damaging oxidizing agents in a living organism – you).

Green Tea

Studies have shown that green tea helps fight inflammation. It’s also very high in antioxidants, in particular one named EGCG, which has proven to reduce redness.

Leafy Green Vegetables

A friend of mine thinks green peas from a can counts as a green vegetable. Peas are great, but when nutritionists talk green vegetables they are referring to leafy greens like kale, collards, swiss chard, spinach, broccoli (though not quite so leafy). As powerful as any UFC fighter, they pack a knockout punch on skin damage. Yep – they are great for your skin because of all those antioxidants.

Red & Purple Fruits and Vegetables

These fruits and vegetables are high in antioxidants that help maintain blood flow to the skin, promoting optimum cell turnover (essential for keeping pores clear). A few great choices: acai, pomegranates, purple carrots, black grapes, and beets.

Unrefined Grains

These babies are high in zinc and other vitamins and minerals (many which are not added back in in the refinement and fortification process). A diet rich in zinc helps fight blemishes. I wish zits were sexy. I did the research and zit porn is not very popular or profitable. Very niche market. So do what you can to prevent them. Choose brown rice instead of white, slow cooked oatmeal instead of instead, spelt bread instead of wonder bread. Yeah, the stuff is dense. Dense with sexy nutrition.

Omega 3 Oils

Omega 3′s are known to make skin a little more bouncy (read young looking). Adding chia and hemp seeds to a salad or even a smoothie or juice (all ground up, of course) is a great option to get your Omega 3′s. These seeds are also rich in fibre so that helps with keeping digestion moving and your skin clear.

Magic Juice = Magical Sexy Appearance?

I checked in with my nutritionist friends on this one because I know some people are worried about the sugar content of juices. Here is what they recommended…

Juices made with spirulina and with barley or wheat grass. The vitamin A content really helps get that glow. Vitamin A deficiency can manifest as those annoying red, rough dots on the back of arms. Having a daily barley grass juice can keep those bumps at bay.

Carrot juice is also awesome for skin glow and complexion. Regular consumption even helps protect the skin from sunburns (not a replacement for topical products, but its an added bonus).

And if you are worried about sugars (and you should – avoiding soda, foods and beverages with syrup, and fake sugar is the sexy thing to do), don’t stress about a fresh, natural juice per day. The sugars in a raw carrot juice, for example, are accompanied by the digestive enzymes required to digest other foods properly, so their effect is buffered. They are bound to minerals so they don’t spike insulin in the same way as other sugary drinks. Plus, the vitamin content and nutrient density in a raw juice far outweighs the sugar content. The fiber content (cause there is still some) will help slow down the absorption of sugar somewhat.

I love juices too. My preferred one is a green juice made up of 1 bunch romaine lettuce, 1 cucumber, 2 stalks celery, 2 broccoli stems, a few kale leaves, 1 apple, and a bit of ginger.

So, there you have it folks. Eat a variety of vegetables and consume some raw juice for a hot, sexy glow.

Another PSSST – if you think I am pushing a vegan agenda – I am not. Most people don’t eat nearly enough vegetables especially given that there are sooooo many you can choose from. Having more veggies won’t kill you (just chew and swallow properly just like  you do when you chow down on a steak).

Your sexual self-esteem AND your sex life will thank you.

Part of the How to Feel Like a Sex Superstar series.

Tasting Yourself

 Advice, Sex Ed  No Responses »
Sep 262012
 

Is it normal for a guy to swallow his own ejaculate? My boyfriend does this and to be honest with you, it’s a turn on to me. But, is this a normal thing?

 

 

 

 

It is really tricky to talk about sex in terms of what is normal. What is acceptable is so often culturally subjective and what is common is hard to determine because people are shy about sharing what they actually do or what they like to fantasize about. What matters more is if you and your partner feel comfortable with a chosen activity and if it is done safely. It seems that you do, so that is a good thing.

From my personal experience I have found that men thinking about or actually tasting their own ejaculate are not that unusual. I couldn’t find any hard statistics, but anecdotal evidence seems to find that many men have tasted their own precum at some time in their life (often as adolescents) and a minority have tasted their own ejaculate. An online survey found that 34.9% of male respondents had no interest in tasting their ejaculate, 43.1% would like to taste it, but always lose interest after they ejaculate, and 22% find tasting it highly arousing and that they do taste it sometimes.

Some ways men explore tasting their own ejaculate:

  • a couple kissing after the man has ejaculated in her mouth
  • licking her vulva after he has ejaculated inside her vagina
  • licking it off her breasts after he has ejaculated on them
  • lying on his back while masturbating or being given a hand job and then leaning back and bringing his legs forward towards his head and aiming into his own mouth
  • using funnel devices, glasses, spoons and the like

Not unlike many sex acts that are not directly connected to reproduction, tasting one’s own ejaculate can have a naughty factor attached to it, making the idea or act of it alluring to people. While I can appreciate exploring the subversive nature of a sex act between adults, I worry that emphasizing shame and guilt is not healthy for us in the long run. So rather than thinking that tasting one’s own ejaculate is nasty or kinky, I think it is wiser, and just as much fun, to see it as sexy and hot.

Ask Seska a Question

If you have a sex or relationship question for me, e-mail me and I will post replies here at www.seska.com. Your anonymity will be preserved.

3 Ways to Chase Down Your Orgasm

 Advice, Sex Ed  No Responses »
Aug 162012
 

Ever feel like you are chasing your orgasm like a dog chases its tail? Around and around you go, but you don’t actually catch it and then you get exhausted.

This happens to me when I am around day 21 of my menstrual cycle. At this time my orgasm is elusive and it is frustrating. My Hitachi Magic Wand vibrator doesn’t do its magic and if I am with a lover she or he will be ‘down there’ for much longer than normal. I wondered why this was the case so I did a little research.

It turns out during that time of the menstrual cycle testosterone is near its lowest (causing low libido), estrogen is decreasing (so less natural lubrication) and progesterone is increasing (hence the difficulty to have an orgasm). Its no surprise that sex and orgasm feels like a struggle.

I wanted to change this and playing with my hormones was out of the question. What was happening was normal menstrual cycle behaviour after all.  Maybe though how I thought about sex (from a mind, body and soul perspective) might make sexual activity, solo or partnered, at this time of the month a little more fun.

Mind

Visualization is a great way to get focused and be engaged in one’s sexual activity. I personally like to think back to particularly hot and sexy times I had with a lover sometime in the past. In fact, using your own experiences or thinking of people you actually know rather than imaginary situations or celebrities can be extremely powerful fantasy tools. The thoughts are already hardwired into your brain and connected to strong, real-life experiences with the material (wow – the material is truly you).

Body

By slowing down the pace and the pressure (both physically and psychologically) I can focus more on the intricacies of what my body is feeling. It allows me to go deep into what I am doing to myself or, if I am with someone, what they are doing to me. I focus on each twinge, flutter and wave with out the expectation of what will happen next. I enjoy the  ride where ever it brings me.

Soul

I need to be kind to myself. We all do. I do this with observation and acceptance. I observe what I am feeling and acknowledge that my body is a complex thing and is doing a lot at one time. Its a pretty amazing thing that isn’t always going to do what I want it to do. I accept it with gentle, loving compassion and the difficult feelings lose their power over me. They do not go away, but I am not so obsessed by them. This mindfullness is something I practice often throughout the day and find it helpful in all sorts of situations and now even in sexual ones.

 Your Ideas

Do you ever experience the chase of the orgasm? How do you handle it? Any tips for your www.seska.com community friends? Share in the comments below. I love hearing and learning from you all.

From the www.seska.com series on How to Feel Like a Porn Super Star.

 

How To Shave Your Pubic Hair

 Advice, Sex Ed  No Responses »
Feb 142012
 

Introduction

First a disclaimer. Whether you choose to shave, trim or let your body hair grow, it is all a matter of personal taste. No one style is more attractive, clean or sexy than another. If you hit one of those pubic hair message boards you’ll see how people can not agree on this matter in any way. However, as someone who works in the sex industry I have received an absolute tonne of email asking for suggestions on how to shave (particularly my pubic hair). If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me about mine….

So I decided to address this prickly issue. Here is a little insight into how to shave your body hair, specifically your pubic hair. It basically works similarly for men and women and most hair types. Remember though that our bodies are all different and that includes our body hair. What works for one person might not work for another. These are general guidelines and not set in stone. If you chose to follow them, you do so at your own risk.

Shaving

If this is your first time shaving, you should consider using an electric trimmer to trim the long hairs down to a manageable length for shaving. If you plan on leaving any hair there, keep that in mind and don’t over trim that section.

It is then suggested that you take a warm bath. Washing first and soaking hairs lets them plump up a bit and they are said to be easier to shave that way. I suppose a shower would do, but personally I don’t get as smooth a result when I shave any part of my body in the shower (plus, I always cut my legs or miss parts on pubic area). Other people may be more comfortable there. I know some men prefer to shave in the shower. It is an individual choice.

After rinsing with a bit of cool water, shaving cream can then be applied. One thing to watch out is highly perfumed brands. I find the genitals can be very sensitive to these. You might want to use what ever you typically use to shave your bikini line and be careful when applying it on to the outer labia. Shaving creams with aloe are often recommended.

At this point select a sharp, fresh blade for shaving. After one or two strokes, rinse the blade. You can shave against the grain for the closest shave but this can lead to ingrown hairs. Experimentation may be needed. For myself, I found that I need to go with the grain on my thighs, bikini line and anywhere near my bum. I can shave against the grain on my outer labia, calves and underarms.

Afterwards, rinse off and clean the shaved area with soap. I use an antibacterial soap to prevent infection because I am prone to pimples. Regular soap should serve most people well.

Following your shower or bath, you can apply talcum powder or cornstarch to the dry shaved area. This can reduce irritation. Similarly, a trick I picked up from strippers is to apply deodorant to the area.

Maintenance

To keep the ingrown hairs away, you are going to have to exfoliate. A loofah sponge is an option as are those exfoliating gloves (my choice). There are some solutions that say they help prevent ingrown hairs (i.e. Tend Skin). Some people have found them to be very useful.

Obviously, to keep the area smooth you are going to have to shave regularly. In the adult business, we tend to shave every second day. It is time consuming, but once it is part of your routine it is not overwhelming. Shaving often, but not too often, also helps reduce the itch factor. As the hair grows back it can become uncomfortable. Either you have to let it grow back or keep shaving regularly. It is your choice.

Waxing

Waxing is a more painful procedure but it can be satisfying way to remove body hair including pubic hair. Here are some recommendations for proponents of waxing.

First time waxers should begin with less delicate areas before attempting pubic hair removal.

Pre-treatment

Hair should be 1/8 to 1/3 inch long. Any longer and it should be trimmed. At 1/8 it should not be more stubborn or think hair or the results will not be as good.
Go with freshly clean skin, no moisturizer or deodorant (if you’re doing the underarm).
Don’t go when your are premenstrual as you may be more sensitive to the pain.
Take an over the counter, anti inflammatory pain killer, if they suit you, an hour before the wax appointment
Post-treatment:

Beginning a day or so after treatment exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate!

Laser (section coming soon)

I have had laser hair removal on my under arms and I love it. It did hurt a bit, but now after three treatments I have about 5 hairs there. I am going to buy a package for an unlimited year of laser hair removal and get my legs and bikini line done. It will eventually save me so much time as I have to shave every day if I want to have smooth legs and such.

As I am new to laser hair removal (2011), I am going to do a little research (read up and chat with my technician) and get back to you.

Originally published at Seska for Lovers 2001

 

Bad Reasons to Have Sex

 Advice, Sex Ed  1 Response »
Sep 212011
 

I am relatively newly single. Its the first time since I was 18. I have no clue about dating. For proof read the Nerve interview I did late last year (scroll down – I’m third).  Most of my experience has been as part of an open relationship and I found sleeping with people to be relatively easy, dating on the other hand – I am so clueless. In hopes of learning a few things I bought some dating advice books and there were some suggestions on what to do as well as some suggestions on what not to do.

Here are a few bad reasons to have sex from How to Behave / Dating and Sex: A Guide to Modern Manners for the Socially Challenged by Caroline Tiger.

Bad reasons to have sex:

You’ve already rounded every other base.

You feel like you should.

You’ve been told that you should.

You are the only one left in your class/fraternity/scifi club who hasn’t done it yet.

You want to get it over with.

You have a bet with your friends.

I will add a couple others:

It is less trouble saying yes than no because you do not want hurt the other person’s feelings.

You already started so you might as well go through with it.

Please share your own bad reasons for having sex. And sex need not be intercourse. Let’s go with intercourse plus manual, oral and anal.

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