A New Year's Eve Kiss

This will be the first New Year’s Eve  since 1988 where I will not be kissed by someone I love, someone who loves me. This is the first year I will be completely single - without a lover at all. I am lonely and confused. It feels awful and I am not sure what to do. Doing nothing is best. Focusing on myself and my own needs is best. It just does not come naturally to me. Being a person of action does. Making things happen for me does. Of course, all the forcing the issue doesn’t serve me in the end so I know I must sit and be patient. I am trying. Its hard. I keep slipping into old patterns. I keep making mistakes.

My rational mind knows it is for the best. This on-and-again-off-again relationship with the bartender was quite possibly the most insane thing I have ever experienced. I certainly behaved in insane ways. I was always so unsure of his feelings and I was always trying to interpret his actions. He would behave in ways and say things that would make me think we were serious and that I was important to him. Then he would end things between us out of the blue. This cycle repeated itself a few times in 2010.

I am not sure what to share and how to share it. I keep going back and forth on the issue. When we were new he liked me writing about him. Now that we are a broken mess I doubt it pleases him. So perhaps I can say this…

Saying yes to me when he wanted to say no was very cruel. Having pillowtalk about me before ending things properly with me was disrespectful. There are real life consequences due to his choices. They affect his great passion (music) and mine (burlesque). He could have chosen to move on with someone less complicated. It was really dumb. I know we were not monogamous nor did we have any explicit commitment. Still, things could have been handled in a more respectful way. I deserved so much better. I have such mixed emotions about him. I feel drawn to him, yet I also am so humiliated. I am trying to move on with grace and dignity, but it is hard. So hard.

The funny thing is I think I stuck it out with him for selfish reasons. His past girlfriends were not kind to him. He kept telling me I would get sick of him and leave him. For many reasons I didn’t. I was terribly attracted to him. He had me mesmerized somehow. Tough exterior combined with a silly playful side. So passionate and so damaged. What kissing! What orgasms! I was a sucker for all of it.

I was always nice, generous and honest. When he upset me I didn’t yell at him. I didn’t hit him. I was determined not to be like the girls of his past. I didn’t want to be cruel. It seemed to me he had enough of that. Its not my way anyway. I think I did this because I wanted to love him like he had not been loved before - with kindness and care - but also for my own ego reasons. I wanted him to love me. What can I say? I am a love/lust junkie. It took a very painful relationship with such heightened emotions to figure it out. I hope I have learned a lesson or two.

I have spoken with my therapist about this relationship quite a bit and we were able to deconstruct it. I have a better sense of what happened and why I felt the way I did. I see him more clearly now. I see our interactions more clearly now. All the inconsistency, all the trying to figure out where I stood, all the insecurity, all the focus on his ex, all the anxiety - combined with big beautiful moments of connection  - it is so similar to the feelings of early love and lust. My wires got crossed big time. Time to uncross them.

Next we have Joe. During the past few weeks he has slowly come back into my life. There was the potential for us to see each other back in October and I checked in with him about it but never heard back so I decided not to go. It didn’t seem right. Then he contacted me some 6 weeks later and we got to talking. It has been both odd and reassuring. I am not sure what to think of it or what to expect. I am feeling a bit lost when it comes to dealing with someone who I was so close to for so long. Should we be friends? Can we be friends? I have no idea what I truly feel or what is best for me.  I do not know what is best for him. That is for him to decide.

Then we have James. This is a big black hole in my heart. We have not spoken since June and even if we did I have no clue what I would say only that I feel like there is so much to be said and none at all at the same time. I miss him so much but I cannot be in the relationship we once had. I own my mistakes, my failures, but since I cannot change the past I just feel so lost in the pain.

I am dealing with so much in therapy and learning so much about myself. I am not sure I could have done this if I was still with James. Though perhaps if I had worked on these things 4 years ago we would not be separated and heading to divorce. Then again, the issues we faced were not just mine. We had some very serious incompatibilities. Also, therapy could still have led me down this road of needing to be alone and independent.

Wow, this desire to be my own person conflicts with my other desires. I also still have this great need for affection and companionship. I hope 2011 will be a year in which I learn to reconcile these needs and perhaps finally have some balance in my life. I hope so anyway. I cannot handle another tumultuous year like 2010.

In the meantime there is the end of it to consider. Will there be a New Year’s Eve’s kiss? Not one like years past, that is for sure. I know I do not want to be kissed by just anyone so no kiss will be the better option. Time for a change and accepting that change even with its accompanying pain.