Cannot Sleep

I tossed and turned all night. My mind races at the best of times. It seems to be enjoying a bit of a frenzy right now.

Which sort of explains how I am feeling inward and a bit solitary right now - even lethargic physically. All the energy is in my head and heart. There is not much left for my body and my social life.

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I have been making so many connections recently. Figuring out what I once thought were virtues are really defense mechanisms. I still need to process more, but I realize I have to take these strategies of mine and find other motivations for them. Or vice versa. Honour the motivations, but find new strategies. I am still not sure.I am on the right path though.

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I remember telling my therapist last spring how I wanted to fast forward ahead three years from now. I wanted to skip all the painful work and be in a place that was solid and balanced. I told her this week that I do not feel that way anymore. It is still painful, but I am experiencing an enlightenment, an understanding of myself, I did not have before. What I am doing now will pay off. It already is.

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I feel bad for those who have had to deal with me during these times. My growing pains have affected my loved ones. Some in very painful ways. I have had to cut ties to have this experience. Perhaps it was selfish, but had I stayed as I was I can only imagine the consequences. It was like I was decaying inside. I didn’t know what to do. From the outside I might have looked fine, but on the inside it was a whole other story. I did not know it then, but that is what I was doing. Falling apart from the inside out.

Others more new to me only know a me that is in crisis. So much change and all at once. I appreciate their patience and friendship. I hope they know it. I hope I show it. I am uncovering new things about myself - discovering new ways of expressing my needs, learning how to do without my old, unhealthy, survival mechanisms. I am bringing equanimity to my life and I as I do so I am more at peace with myself. I know as I am more centered they will feel the effects.

There is a payoff for all this hard work and I hope they benefit from it as well. If I haven’t alienated them with my struggles and confusion. I am in the midst of turning a corner. Stay with me until I get around the bend.