Fall Feelings

As I try to create some space for myself and avoid the fella, I am feeling I am at risk of backsliding. Its fall and its cool and crisp outside. Time for sweaters and layers. Time for him to wear long sleeved undershirts  instead of t shirts. I love the way he layers them with his plaid shirts and rolls up his sleeves. My favourite look on him. I can see it just as easily as I can mentally smell  his cheek and neck the last time I nuzzled him. Sigh. I am emotionally backsliding indeed. If I see him in person - especially one-on-one I will physically backslide. There is a reason for this space. A reason for staying away even when I am so attracted and so attached. I want a relationship and he doesn't. My idea of a relationship is not very traditional, but it is still more than he wants. I am not looking for exclusivity, but I do want something substantial. Something mutual. Something strong. A foundation of respect and closeness. Something emotionally generous and inspiring. He is not interested in seeking this out with me and he has his reasons - which I just need to accept. I feel bad because I know that even though we care for each other,  our individual bottom lines just are not the same. The status quo has been driven more by him than by me and this status quo serves him better than it does me. The status quo makes me sad. It leaves me sitting alone as I watch others coo and sigh. I never cooed and I never sighed - in public. That was not part of our arrangement. I was in the shadows. I was there at 4 in the morning. I was there when hurt came his way. Its not all of his fault. I agreed to this status quo. I was not ready for anything too serious, but tell that to my heart. As time went on I acquiesced to the status quo more and more by not speaking up and then later I felt humiliated for not doing so. My world became smaller and smaller. Yes, there were times where I went running to him - as I was overwhelmed with pain over my divorce  and all the changes going on in my life. He was my escape, my refuge, my drug. He had qualities that were the exact opposite of what I had in all of my previous relationships.  I got lost in him. I know this did not help matters. I was drawn to a certain chemistry we shared. One I had not felt before. Now I realize that while I care for him,  I need to care for myself more. I also realize that when I am with someone I don't try to change them as much as I try to change myself.  I enter into their world, but they do not enter as much (if at all) into mine.  I accommodate to their schedule, their interests, their way of seeing the relationship. They never do so for mine (though I was young when I entered into my first two relationships I didn't truly know what I wanted long term nor know that needs change as we age and grow) . So in not one did I truly have a voice and know how to use it. I went the flow - their flow . Well, 3 of 4 anyway. The secondary relationship I had while married was a whole other thing with its own complications. We both bended to the primary. I am tired of bending but don't know any different. At this point I wish to look at the things I have learned from my relationships (friendships included) and see what these experiences have brought to my life. I want to take all the amazing things these loves have given me and add them to my inner core. I need to focus on that inner core the most though. I have been told it is possible for me to meet someone who will be amazed and delighted by this inner core, by me, and we will take turns in the bending and celebrate and enjoy one another. It will be mutual. It seems like such a fantasy right now. More so than the fella was. Still when I look at things with my inner core in mind I feel good and strong - even though I miss those long sleeved undershirts, the seductive smell of his cheeks and those bedroom eyes and will for a long time.