Falling In Love

When I wrote my last blog entry I suspected that something very special was occurring within me. While it has been many years since I’ve experienced this feeling, when it began to emerge I recognized it. I was falling in love with someone who was falling in love with me.

My entire 40s were about working my way through my divorce, getting sober, and falling in love with men who didn’t love me. Not many people mind you but over the course of a decade three men said all the right things but their actions didn’t match. I know what that feels like. It feels like holding a rose with many thorns with your bare hands. What I’m experiencing right now is being embraced by the rose petals.

While caring for my mother I had no time or energy for any of that— roses, petals, or thorns. I worked to earn a living doing something highly unconventional and stigmatized, was there for my sister, niece, and nephew (both of who have special needs), and maintained a connection with my three closest friends.

I knew I was locking up my heart to a certain degree because I had nothing to give to another person. I knew I could not hold space for anyone else’s emotions, needs, and wants. I was OK with all of that because I was grateful to be there for my mother. We became very close and now that she is gone I know that I made the right choice.

Since my mother’s death, I’ve been pondering what it means to no longer be in a demanding caregiving role. I’ve discovered I have the time and energy to put my needs and desires first. I’m not living day to day in a state of anticipatory grief. Now I have the capacity to tap into my hopes and dreams.

One dream that has long been on the back burner is to be in a relationship with another content creator and/or sex worker. We could collaborate but they would also have their own work projects so all the eggs would not be in my basket like it was with my ex-husband. I also wouldn’t live off their work. I’m no sugar baby, kept woman, or gold digger. I need to pay my way through life because as my mother used to say, “la dignité passe par le portefeuille.” I need to be the one in control of my finances. I don’t want to give that power over to someone else. It makes me VERY uncomfortable.

This Autumn I knew my capacity for relationships was changing when I had crushes on two different content creators. It had been far too long since I had a crush or even felt attracted to anyone.

Crush Number 1: This crush was wonderful. It was sapphic in nature as well as like-minded. I told this gal about it so I don’t mind sharing her name with you. It’s the gorgeous and talented Noah Bensi. Noah is a fellow content creator and cam performer who is so freaking amazing at cosplay content. Her monthly themes (in particular the social media promotion videos) are spectacular. She is generous in spirit and rocks her neurodivergent self in a way that resonates with me (maybe being neurodivergent myself). We have chatted and when possible we will get together to make some content and hopefully develop our friendship.

Crush Number 2: At first, this crush lived singularly in my imagination. I discovered a fella doing very sexy cosplay on TikTok. I gave him a follow and liked some of his posts and then he did the same with mine which began a flirtation with a Mommy Domme edge that I quite enjoyed. We met in New York City and had a delightfully playful and sexy time together. It wasn’t a love match but something we could see turning into friends with benefits if we lived closer to one another.

Then a few days after I got back from NYC I discovered another TikTok content creator named Jacob and we began speaking a couple of hours a day. We spoke of our pasts and pivotal life events. We spoke about our plans for the future. We went deep. There were tears. There was flirtation. There was a lot of “yes, exactly!” and “what do you think about this?”. I found a kindred spirit in him. It felt right. It’s rare to connect in this way and whatever it becomes— friendship or romance, it’s meaningful for a lifetime.

We knew even before our content creation weekend that we had something special but it solidified when I discovered how comfortable I was with him in my space. I think only my closest friends truly understand how huge this is for me. Same with having a spark of creativity between us. My artist friends get it. It is so satisfying. 

Based on some comments I've received some of my male fans don’t see in him what I do. I have found with every man I’ve fallen for that there are fans, casual acquaintances, and even strangers on the street, who have wondered (often aloud and directly to me), why is she with him?

So many people did not see in my ex-husband or my ex-boyfriend NFJ what I saw in them. But with each true love, of which there have only been a few, I can say that I’m with them because I’m deeply attracted to them because they are bright, funny, beautiful, kind, and good communicators. They “get” me and I “get” them. We fit.

It’s all these things and more with Jacob. I’m in love.