Finding My Rhythm

As many of you know, the past few years have been challenging for me. I’ve been my mother’s primary caregiver as she has faced terminal cancer and I’ve faced my own cancer diagnosis and surgery (now in remission). It’s made the stress of the Covid-19 Pandemic all the more stressful as we navigated the health care system and did what we could to protect ourselves given we were immunocompromised.

However, things were pretty stable after my surgery and I was able to catch my breath and focus on my work this spring. Then things got more intense when my mother’s health took a turn in June. She had a bad reaction to chemotherapy treatment and subsequently got shingles for the second time. The summer has been especially difficult for her, my family and me.

Working in pleasure (in particular the focus on that of others) when you are experiencing anticipatory grief is terrible. I didn’t want to dissociate, so I took a leave from doing live shows and relied on my bank of content for VIP and fan site updates. I did a few shoots when I felt inspired to do so. I listened to my intuition and it served me well.

My mother has been in hospice for a month now. No one can say how much time she has left, but I feel great relief that she is being cared for with compassion and competence. I’m moving through my grief and slowly I’m able to manage everyday tasks more and more. I’m also feeling more present in my body in terms of its fatigue and pain but also its pleasures and desires. For a time, I felt rather numb and overwhelmed. I’m coming out the other side, and it’s bittersweet to think of having the freedom to focus on myself and my dreams because I will soon no longer be in a caregiving role.