Having a Rough Time Of It

I have been having a rough time of it lately. Nothing related to the bartender who I have been seeing once again. After that terrible heartbreak and a few weeks off over Christmas we found our way to each other once again. Amends were made. Hope restored. These past few months have been very different from the previous ones. No drama and no fear. Lots of openess and playfulness. I like where we are right now. I am not sure what I want out of the relationship though. I am trying not to get caught up traditional expectations. I don’t think they suit either of us right now in our lives. We both have lots going on. Still, I love spending time with him, but I don’t feel so fixated on him as I once did. Its a nice place to be in.

One of the difficult things that I am dealing with is lots of grief over the end of my marriage. I think it is because it has been one year and I am reflecting on what I have experienced so far. The pain that I didn’t deal with, couldn’t deal with, is re-emerging. I am having all sorts of dreams about it. Usually sleep and dreams are such a refuge for me. It doesn’t feel that way right now.

There is more to the situation than I am saying. I want to protect his privacy. But I can say that I am feeling so sad and powerless. It is overwhelming at times and I am having trouble functioning. This feeling brings back memories when I was in crisis and was living with so much fear and despair. So that makes it all worse.

One of the things I do when I experience a strong negative emotion is run away. I think of people who have it worse than me as a form of rationalizing my pain away. I escape into I cannot do that anymore because it does not help me. it makes things worse. The pain comes out and it is worse than before. It is tainted with anger, bitterness and envy. So now I am sitting with my feelings. I acknowledge them. I let myself cry. I breathe. I treat myself with kindness. Its really a new way of dealing with things for me. Its going to take me some time to change my instincts and my behaviour.

The last few days have been particularly dark. I lost my appetite and I was often overcome with tears. I was worried I was going to slip back into how I felt in January 2009. Then last night bBy chance I went to see what Halycon was up to on his Hug Nation channel. I read a post of his that the current entry was about relationships. I always enjoy his insights so I clicked and listened. It was helpful.

It got me thinking that I need a plan, that I need to develop my map towards happiness. I thought of the things I have done in the past that make me feel grounded. I thought of the things that make me feel hopeful and loving. I thought of things that make me feel part of the flow of energy. I am going to take some time today to privately journal and develop this a bit more.

I am sure I will always feel pain and sadness, but how I handle this is changing. It has quite a bit this past year and it will continue to do so.