Relationship Models - What is right? What is wrong?

I don’t know what bothers me more – the concept that cheating is “normal” in our society, or that cheating is more preferable than honesty and openness. Polyamory - the myths vs. the reality - Patrica Betts

Right now I am single. It is the first time in my adult life and quite a change, I must say. For nearly 17 years I was in a serious relationship (11 of those years we were married) and for most of it we were open. Open as in we were open to seeing other people as long as we were honest and forthcoming with them and each other about it. We were not quite swingers, but it was definitely non-monogamous as I was sexually and romantically involved with others. A lot of the time it was within the amateur porn scene, but it also happened off camera. Beyond having sex on camera with friends both male and female as well as private trysts and encounters, for over 4 of those years I had a serious relationship with another man. This was done openly and honestly. It was complicated especially from a time management perspective and we made mistakes with regards to boundaries. There were power struggles as we negotiated how I was to spend my time. Books and articles were helpful to a point, but we all definitely learned as we went along. Just as there was work to do within my main relationship before we were open, there was work to do once we opened up the relationship. All to say, I have a fair amount of experience in the world of open relationships and polyamory and like the author of this article not many people understood the how or the why of what we were doing. Many thought it would be more 'normal' or wiser to cheat rather than doing this open poly thing. This is also what I have experienced more recently as a single person with casual and not-so-casual sex. Honesty and full disclosure is not the norm in this new single gal world. For many months this year and a bit of last I was  involved with someone and I asked him to tell me when he slept with other women and who they were as our paths were likely to cross. He agreed, but then found it much too awkward to bring up. I get that. Being honest can be scary and awkward. But you know what is  scary and awkward too? Thinking things were one way when they were in fact another.  You then make decisions due to lack of information and later, when you find out the truth, you  feel like a fool.  I will take awkward full disclosure any day over that mess ever again. I will even take an awkward 'I am not able to live up to our arrangement - I want to have sex with you, but I prefer keeping you in the dark about my other lady friends' over that mess again. At least then I could have made a timely informed decision. - Hey Seska, bitter much? Yeah. That and a few other things. [attracted, despondent,  embarrassed, lustful, pessimistic, reckless, sad... despite what happened I am still drawn to this man... its accurate to say I am a very confused Seska] - This summer I had a conversation with an acquaintance who challenged me over my choice to be in an open relationship - both in my marriage and my more recent involvement. At the time I was still seeing the guy in the not-so-casual, but also not-so-honest relationship. At the time I didn't know about the lack of disclosure that was going (things came out a week or so later), but maybe the acquaintance knew more than I did. I do know she didn't have all the facts about my marriage (very few people do).  Anyhow, she said all her friends in open relationships had failed relationships. Her explanation was that one would not explore outside of the pair bond unless one was dissatisfied and she used my situation as an example. I did not agree with her statement, but I am not good when confronted or put on the spot so I did not speak my mind. In part this was because she was attacking my marriage which is a very sensitive topic for me and one I cannot properly explain or characterize in a paragraph here or in a 15 minute conversation then or in  the series of 3 or 4 conversations we had prior on various nights drinking at the bar. The other issue is she was very adamant about her opinion and I find such conversations pretty pointless. However, if I had had a little more confidence I wish I would have said... I think its a poor argument to  say that because all of the polyamorous relationships that you know of ended before death do you part they are innately unhealthy and abnormal. That is like arguing that because most of the monogamous relationships I know of end before death do you part means monogamy is unhealthy and abnormal. Neither is a sensible argument. Additionally, does a relationship ending means it was a failure? This is a big question and it comes down to what you define as success and failure. I certainly do not want anyone else to determine that for me. I wish I would have said that I do not think being satisfied with monogamy equals satisfaction in a relationship. People have different definitions of what makes for a successful satisfying relationship (romantic or otherwise).  Duration, connection, agreement, reliability, accessibility, engagement, trust, friendship, pleasure - these are just a few things people use to qualify a good relationship. You can have none, some or all of these things whether you are monogamous or not. A desire for monogamy, a contentment to not look outside of the relationship, does not equal satisfaction. It could very well equal fear of the unknown, fear of isolation, fear of loss, fear of a great many other things. And what about other aspects of one's life? Most people have other interactions and interests outside of the main relationship and that is seen as appropriate and healthy. They find value in experiences outside of the relationship - in friendships, work, family, interests etc... Why not feel the same way when it comes to sex? Why not when it comes to love? It seems that people hold onto these things as precious because they see them as finite and scarce, but what if you see them (and your ability to give and receive them) as generous and abundant? Its a meaningful paradigm shift. Later she argued that research says we are meant to be paired bonded and nothing else is healthy or normal for human beings.  Again, I wish I could have found the words to disagree. I am not sure what research she was speaking of, but I haven't read that this is conclusive and I have read a lot - got the BA in psychology and a dozen years of reading most everything I can get my hands on about the subject.  I have also communicated directly with a number of researchers and writers on the subject. There is no consensus among the 'experts'. Many disregard some data in favour of others. Many researchers find that the data does support multiple relationships as a common and healthy option for humans now and through out human existence, but still conclude that monogamy is the way to go. There is a serious conflict going on, that much is sure. For a compelling examination of this I highly recommend the book Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan, Ph.D. & Cacilda Jethá, M.D.. Their work is extensive and in-depth. They bring all of the different views to the table and break them down in a meaningful way. They come to conclusions that reflect data gathered about most of known human existence rather than just a reflection of the last few hundred years of the Western world. I cannot recommend this book enough. Finally, on a more personal note, I found it hard to try to tell this acquaintance that it was not casual sex, non-monogamy, polyamory or open-relationships that caused my split from my husband. It was deeper, older stuff (I have the therapy bills to show for it - also newly gained self-understanding, self-esteem and, hopefully, better communication skills). Nor were these issues the reason we decided to have an open relationship. I truly believe, just as the author of the article does, that human beings are capable of having multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships in a lifetime and even simultaneously (each with their own pace and phases). They can do this covertly or they can do so with honesty.  I truly believe that the validity, value or success of a relationship is not determined by monogamy or the length of the relationship or how it ends when it ends (it can, but doesn't have to). Yes, monogamy is one option, but not the only one. It can be hard though to explain or appreciate this when you are in a society that sees cheating as more 'normal' than being open and honest, a society that sees love as being an experience limited or exclusive to two. - Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships is a must read. Really. Read this book. Like, yesterday.