I've Got a Crush On You Sweetie Pie (2022 Edition)

I’ve written in the past about my crushes and I’m thrilled to say I’ve got a crush once again. Actually, I’ve got two! But first, let’s walk down memory lane and read what I wrote in 2012 AND 2002 about my crushes. I will write about my 2022 experience in a future post.

June 6th, 2012

This part was written 10 years ago! When I find these old essays I think it's both amazing and challenging to have so many written records of how I felt in the past. I can be rather nostalgic, but it's also painful to re-read them. I try to be gentle, not harsh when I look at the me that I was. Observation and acceptance are key. What I went through then led me to now and what I am going through now will lead me to the future and a better understanding of humanity including my own. I try to embrace it all with a spirit of adventure and friendship toward the enjoyable and not-so-enjoyable feelings. It's not easy, but I am getting better at it (thank you for therapy, meditation and Buddhism).

Still, reading this piece is rather poignant at this time. Recently, I was terribly hurt by the experience with a crush turned lover turned (semi) relationship and coming out of it was very much like what I described in this essay as what I wanted to avoid. I have yet to be destroyed by a crush and I hope I don't go from crush to crash like a drug addict in withdrawal. I hope my feelings just melt away.

Granted, if I think about it, it was not so much a crush. I had no idea when I first met him that he was interested in me. Later I found out he had wanted to get me to go home with him. Yep, I was clueless. I saw him a couple of weeks later and he piqued my interest, but then he ignored me. I decided to be more forward but circled back and I let my attraction be known. He asked me out. Then I lost interest thinking it would be a bust of a date. It was only after we spent a long evening together that the crush feelings occurred. None of it follows my usual pattern. Maybe that is one reason the crush feelings didn't melt away. It was different than a crush, after all.

Anyway, before we go back in time and enjoy a 31-year-old me writing about her crushes, let's listen to the song that provided the title to my essay. Yes, I may have a crush of a certain kind on Linda Ronstadt. I have posted her songs before. ;-)

June 10th, 2002

I don't get crushes often and I suppose that is a fortunate thing because their rarity makes them so wonderful to me. I get little ones all the time on famous Hollywood stars and celebrities, but they live in the realm of fantasy and only make me a little giddy. Oh, and they are good resources for masturbation material and sex dreams. My true crushes are intense and fabulous. The objects of my desire are within my reach. They are much more real and meaningful to me.

In the past seven years since I have been in a sexually non-monogamous relationship, I have had four such crushes and the feelings they produce in me are anything but ordinary. Of course, there is an emotional component to my crushes, but since I am already in love with someone and what I want from a crush is more along the lines of "friends with benefits", my crushes are more inclined towards the physical. Only some of it is the sexual feeling I get between my legs. You know, the dizzying, pulsating warmth. Still, the sexual arousal really is minor compared to my heart skipping a beat every few moments when I think of him or her and the tingly feeling I get in my arms. I become anxious because I don't want to do anything to cause the feeling to subside. I stay still and enjoy the feeling before it escapes and I know it will eventually.

I don't have memories of the conclusion of a crush as being painful. Maybe I block that out so I can focus on the blessings of the crush and not its unpleasant facets. I am not sure. Right now, I am at the peak of a new crush and I don't want to think of it ending. I am fearful. I have yet to be destroyed by one, but I hope I don't go from crush to crash like a drug addict in withdrawal. I hope my feelings just melt away. I am fearful and hopeful. It is an odd combination.

The crushes that were never fulfilled usually have just dissipated as if the person's allure, which at first was magnetic and irresistible, has faded and the person becomes ordinary and normal to me again. Other times the person will do something or say something that shatters the crush— something rude, cruel or alienating. That can be a little traumatic and harsh to my senses. It doesn't destroy me, it just pisses me off.

When the crush has been realized; when I am intimate with the object of my desires, things can be so weird. The first instance of intimacy is fantastic and engulfing. My feelings are lush with sexuality. I want to feel and taste every bit of my prey. Yes, I become predatory— sometimes with great skill and sensuality, other times with comedic clumsiness. Whatever the case may be, I want to attack them and I want them to devour me as well. At first, we might have a couple of interactions, but afterwards, my feelings can overwhelm the person and they make it clear either with words or with actions that the liaison is over for them. That is when I realize that my feelings have been misunderstood. I am not looking for love. I have that with my husband. I do feel I can care for someone else. I want to share with them some little bits of my soul and I would want them to share that with me. I want to do this in sexual terms mostly, but also with words and tenderness. I am not looking to be a girlfriend. I never want to be one of those again. However, the term lover resonates more with me. It is clandestine and mysterious. It sets out the limits as being sexual and not "let's bring her over to meet mom".

I think the trouble arises when the other person realizes they cannot do the same with me. They don't like sex mixed with intimacy and I have yet to hook up with someone with whom I can have a successful secondary relationship in the spirit of polyamory.

My first realized crush was fast and furious. It occurred while on vacation. It was a two-day kind of thing and afterwards, I left for home. Even if we had been in the same city I seriously doubt it could have been sustained for a long period of time. He lives in the extreme and would have moved on to the new and exciting very quickly.

The second was with a female friend of mine. She was experimenting. We both had our own significant others and she was not interested in having a second relationship. I suppose she was in fling mode and the intensity of my feelings was too much for her. Things got weird after we discussed our situation. I knew she was not as interested in me as I was in her and our friendship pretty much dissolved.

My third crush was probably the most intense one I had. My attraction to this guy was unbelievably chemical. I melted in his presence which is something I had not experienced since my college days (that one started as a one-night stand and then evolved into an unrequited crush -it was painful). This one went better and at one time I felt we had connected, but I was mistaken. He was really looking for love and beyond my lack of availability in that department, I was not his type. The chemical reaction wasn't mutual. I'd like to think I was more than a fuck, but I would be deceiving myself. Somehow, this doesn't bother me terribly. It's just a little sore spot in my psyche. You take a risk and it doesn't always work out.

Now, I am taking another risk. Crush number 4. I am excited and just a little freaked out by it. My experience tells me he won't return my feelings (lustful friendship is what I want to experience) or be on the same page as me. In spite of everything, I know I have to explore it. If I don't take a chance then it is inevitable that I will be dissatisfied. I would rather be crushed than have any regrets.