Memories As Fantasies

During the isolation times of the pandemic, I fantasized a fair bit about past lovers. These were not so much wishes to be with them again but memories of what I enjoyed about our time together. I see these fantasies as a form of time travel.

Often with these fantasies, the focus is on specific characteristics of the lover. There was one man who I had sex with a decade ago. It was a messy situation that was about genuine attraction, physically and emotionally, but it was also about our individual heartache and loneliness.

It was escapist which is something I don’t use sex (or pretty much anything) for anymore, but I appreciate that I learned lessons about myself and my motivations from the experience. I’m stronger for it and I can now look back at the experience and the lover through a different lens— admiration and affection.

With this man, it was his dark wavy hair and sparkly blue eyes that were the focus of my fantasies. I thought a lot about running my hands through his hair. It was lush and soft. I thought about his smile and how he seemed to exhale physically and physically when I undressed in front of him. I remembered how moved from verbal intimacy to physical intimacy as we trusted one another as we complicated our friendship and connection but also made it poetically simple. All of this came flowing through me as I masturbated and fantasized about touching his hair.