Porn Site Reflections
The Phoenix Forum was my first adult web conference in 4 years! A lot happened in between - a lot that kept me close to home. Most recently, I have taken this year to work on many things related to my independence. Going to school was one of them. It is keeping me very busy and requires a lot of my attention. I am enjoying it very much though and I look forward to what it will bring into my life. I am excited about working as a natural nutritional practitioner (the current term for this area of holistic health is naturotherapy).
I also have taken this time to evaluate what I want to do online. How does a 40 year old newly single woman express herself online? What are my current interests? Current turn-ons? Current passions? My site has always been a reflection of those things and as they have changed so did the content. I know some fans click in for certain content and push me to keep creating it. Doing so does not work for me. I have to personally dig it to shoot it. Even if it is only on an intellectual level. So as I evolved so did my site. This new phase in my life is no different. I just am not quite sure what it means in a concrete way. After the conference though I have a better idea.
Tied into this evaluation is the very real issue of income. I have been able to support myself with the earnings from www.seska.com for over 12 years. In recent years I had to also take on other webmaster work, but Seska money was important money. Expressing myself via my site has been important in other ways as well. My site has been a platform for my values, my interests, and my personal growth - in particular as related to sexuality, relationships, gender dynamics and body politics. After much thought I felt ready to put some attention back to my online porn experience.
For me to to do that I needed to rethink the infrastructure of the site. I partnered up with my friend Kenny and added my site to his network of adult paysites. He is investing in a new content management system which I will be able to use. I hope to have everything in place by the end of the year. Its going to take some time to re-encode all the video and re-upload all the content. I will probably have to hire someone to do it. Its a big investment for both of us, but we are optimistic it will pay off in the long run.
In terms of shooting I have been on a two year hiatus (if not more). I haven’t webcammed in a year. I might have had I had the equipment, but moving out on my own gave me other financial priorities than camera equipment. Plus, I think I needed the time to get my footing and figure out how I can be a 40 year old single woman in general before tackling the very tricky thing of it in the online porn world. Its very very different than it once was and I am very different as well.
I have a different sense of myself. I am feeling more private. I am feeling more modest. I am not sure what I want to share with strangers. I am not sure how exposed I want to be. I am not sure if I want that much public judgment into my life. I am not sure if I have the patience required to deal with fans demanding things of me. I am still figuring out the emotional and personal impact a resurgence of the site will have on my life.
We also have the issue of my physical appearance. Since the separation I have gained some weight. I am about the weight I was when I had PCH in 2002 and I was put on predisone. So I know it is nothing I cannot overcome. The weight gain was due to some comfort food eating and some cocooning. Something I feel is to be expected after a big life change though I sometimes wish I was one of those people who does not eat when under stress.
I also have not been particularly motivated about it as I have been feeling sexier at this weight. More sensual. More passionate. Unfortunately, it does not photograph well and it doesn’t feel like me. So I have been slowly getting back on track with my food choices and exercise. I have a simple plan and if I stick with it by July I should be at my ideal weight for being on camera.
When I went to Phoenix I shot for the first time in ages. I was scared about doing it. Actually, I was scared in general about going to the show. I knew I would be pretty unique looking there. I do not tan. I have small natural breasts. I am not skinny. I have not had any cosmetic procedures of any kind. I am 40 not 22. I am good with all these things in the real world. In the porn world though, I am the freak and I was not sure if I had it in me to be so different. As the show got closer I could feel my anxiety building. I wanted to fit in. Even blend in.
Then I made the decision to embrace my appearance and my personal style (its more retro pin-up than string bikini) and the anxiety went away (well, a good chunk of it). My other strategy was to arrange to shoot with my longtime Amateur porn friends Anna and Bruce. I just adore them. They have such good energy and are so down to earth. Beyond a friendship we also have nice sexual chemistry. I know I would be in good hands for my first shoot since my break. Both strategies paid off. They were amazing companions for the weekend as was Kenny who listened to me as I shared my concerns about getting old in porn and expressed my joy over how much fun I was having. I even felt quite comfortable by the pool in my Esther Williams one piece.
Overall, my experience at the conference has inspired me and I am enthusiastic about the future of my website. Now I have more of a concrete plan for the next few months as I continue to ease back into re-building my website and creating more content. The spirit will remain the same: positive, fun and genuine. The specifics will be different mainly because I no longer have a life partner with whom I shoot with. The bottom line is that the site has always been a representation of my life and it will continue to be.
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Through all of this I have been updating the members-area. You may wonder with what? I found content that had not been posted so I have been updating with that. :-)