Sex Mistake - Assumptions

One of the biggest sex mistakes (hell, life mistakes) is making assumptions. What happens when you make sex assumptions? Bad sex, dangerous sex, boring sex, no sex, and a bunch of other not-so-fun sex possibilities. Avoid it all by...

Never Assuming Anything

When it comes to sex you need to communicate - out loud, with words. Mind reading is for carnivals, not the bedroom or where ever you choose to get it on. Let's break it down...

Sexually Transmitted Infections

Don't assume that your partner is 'clean' based on their appearance, history, background or even their claims to be STI free. Only a test will tell you this about your partner - and about yourself. The tricky thing about STI tests is they will only reflect one point in time. If it is a chlamydia test, then it will let you know that when your lover (friend, wife, stranger, partner, hook-up, husband - who ever) took the test the result will be their chlamydia status at that moment in time. They may have engaged in sexual activities since then and their status may have changed. With HIV the window is three months. The test lets you know their status three months prior to taking the test. That is a lot of time to have other sexual encounters. So do not assume. Get tested (even with the window it is sooo much better than not testing) and educate yourself in safer sex measures. I will write more in the future on how to talk with your partner(s) about STIs, testing and protection. Having that conversation is scary, but very important.

Desire

Don't assume that a potential partner or your current one has the same level of desire as you. Same thing with their attractions, turn-ons, favourite position, favourite time of day to fool around. Don't assume that desire is a constant in your life or others. Ebbs and flows, people. The body changes as it ages. Outside factors can affect you. Body image can be a big one. Feel crappy about how you look can equate to some libido issues. So can sexual functioning. A man with erectile difficulties can have concerns about performance so much so that their desire is diminished. That brings me to stress and desire. Don't assume because sex is a stress reliever for you that it is for your partner. A massage might work wonders for them and once the stress is dealt with, then they feel like getting it on. Or they might want a nap and a cuddle.

Body Language

Actions are not always louder than words. While there is something to be said about the power of body language, not everyone knows how to read signals.  Not everyone knows how to send them out either (that'd be me on both counts - I am flirtation challenged). And who is to say that there is only one language when it comes to the body? One person's wink could be a flirty move. Another's nervous habit. I do have one exception. If someone is ignoring you or playing it very cool - pay attention to that. If you have fooled around with someone and you would like to spend more time with them (and have said as much), and then they give you the cold shoulder (especially in public) it is a sign of someone not being on the same page as you. A conversation to address the issue may be worth it to resolve the issue, but be prepared to walk away. I think it is the wiser thing to do. I have learned this the hard way. I'd love for you to avoid that.

Solutions

I know thinking about sex - or even worse - talking about sex can be awkward. Is avoiding it worth it? Is unsatisfying sex worth it? I don't think so. Here is the beginnings of a how-to. First you absolutely need to reflect on your sexuality and what you want. This requires being honest with yourself and others. Explore your comfort level with sexuality your and those of others. Figure out what are your biases and how to look beyond them and see yourself and others will compassion. I know this is scary. We have so many shameful and taboo feelings when it comes to sex. I like looking at this and going beyond it. This has been the key for me in having a super satisfying sex life. Check out The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment. This is a great book to help you get started. Learn how to communicate your desires. This involves more than just talking. You need to be able to actively listen. You need to not be on the defensive or the offensive. Again - scary. You risk rejection and disappointment. But it is better to have an awkward conversation and not express things perfectly than to not say anything at all. That creates resentment and that can poison and even kill most every relationship. I am a big fan of the If the Buddha... series. You might want to check out If the Buddha Married: Creating Enduring Relationships on a Spiritual Path (Compass)to help you along if you are in a long term partnership. If you are single grab a copy of  If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path. To get more sex advice please visit my website Seskuality = Sex Ed + Mindfulness + Joy !