Sex Resolutions

Do you make New Year’s Resolutions? I don’t. I think that is because I’m continually assessing and tweaking. Though I do feel a surge of new energy a few times a year. New years is one. The others are at the end of winter when the snow melts (and I’m greatly anticipating not wearing socks with shoes) and September (ah, shopping for school supplies). My energy surge is less about goal setting and more about reflecting about my life, my health, my business and my relationships. And of course, my sex life. Which is very different for me than it used to be. For one, it is no longer my job to document every bit of it and hasn’t been for over 4 years. I also no longer feel the pressure to do it and make it WILD like I used to. Two, I am no longer married. I no longer have regular partners. I actually only have partnered sex with  few times a year. The volume may be down, but quality has gone up. I like it this way. It is a good fit for me right now. I got to thinking about this today after reading Mastin Kipp’s latest post at The Daily Love about his Number 1 Rule About Sex. But let me back up a bit.

Game Changer

I am sober and have been for a little bit over a year now. It has been a game changer for my sex life. I have stopped making stupid choices. By that I mean short-sighted choices, escapist choices, numbing choices. Ultimately, those I think I am unlovable choices. Now, I’ve done the work. I am in love with Radical Acceptance. I so dig Desire Mapping. It turns out I’m a Spirit Junkie. I am sober and feel so good because of it. Regular therapy also helped. OK, it is what saved my life and helped get the ball rolling for me to become self-loving person. So with all this self-love why no casual sex? Well, it really hit home that casual sex is nearly always only attractive to those in the young people binge drinking scene. That is no longer my scene. When it was I was nearly always in emotional pain.  I rarely was sexually satisfied. How can you be when your judgement is impaired? Or when you body cannot have a proper sexual response? Oh, booze you definitely were not good for my sex life. Please note – When I was shooting porn the sex I had was this unique blend of swinger lifestyle and work. I would not consider it casual sex as it was purpose fully being documented through photos,videos and journal entries and was built around mixing friendship with business.

That Was Then

Now that I am happy and sober I find I am much more selective about who I want to have sex with. I am also not interested in wasting my time on bad sex or dishonest people. Never mind, the species called The Player. It’s not that I am looking for the ONE. I’m not. I’m happy not being in a relationship for the time being. But I’m feeling like my boundaries have closed in somewhat. I am very picky about who I let into my physical space. My bedroom is my sanctuary. My heart is sacred. And my body is feeling that way too. My motives for sex have changed since my twenties and thirties. The kind of sex I desire has changed too. Every few years this happens. Respecting and honouring this evolution, this flow, is key for me. I suppose this is my Sex Resolution for 2015 – as it is every year.     PS I think the research on oxytocin and sex in humans still needs work, but it is fascinating.

Sex Resolutions was originally published on Seskuality