Show Business

I tried to look presentable for a show, but not for sexual attraction. It was strictly for show business. Little Richard

Came across this quote this morning and it got me to thinking. As indie or personal porn performer* what I am selling is the depiction, the capture, the presentation of me having a genuine physical sexual experience. It is one where I am aware of the camera even if I try to ignore it. There are lights and noises that let me know I am not alone even when I am shooting solo. The end result is personal but it is never private. Yet, the bottom line is its not about me seeking out an intimate, personal attraction from or with strangers who view this representation of me and my sexuality. I offer it and those who are interested in it, beguiled by it, aroused by it can do what they want with it. It is in a way no longer mine. It is show business. I am showing my business and people consume it. Its just that my business is something most people never share with the world. - * Personal porn performer - Indie Porn Performer - Amateur Porn Performer We used to call ourselves amateurs. It distinguished us from the professional pornographers who hired models, shot pictures and video of them and then made up personalities and back stories about them -if they even did that. We were doing something different. We were documenting our real lives as swingers and exhibitionists. We didn’t have expensive camera equipment. We did live webcam shows - 30 second refresh with sound back then. We didn’t look like mainstream porn stars though gosh, we wore some really awful lingerie and shoes. It really has changed since the days when I started (1998) or when we had our heyday (2000-2003). Now there are solo girl sites everywhere. Its hard to tell who is hired and who runs their own site.  Those that run their own sites as independents look the same as mainstream porn stars. They often shoot for themselves and for companies. Most performers also webcam. Pro and indie alike. In an age of so much free porn its one place you have the potential to make a living without doing the stripclub circuit. Everyone has gone pro in one way or another. It makes me wonder what people want. It makes me wonder where my place is as someone who is independent and doesn’t see the appeal of going mainstream in terms of her looks, her content production or in her life. Even if going mainstream would make me rich money-wise it doesn’t seem attractive to me. It never has. I like being outside of the norm. Porn used to be a place like that for me, but it isn’t so much now. Its even more cookie cutter than before. Everyone looks the same. Same hair style, same cheekbones, same lips, same tan, same shape and same size. Creating content that is supposedly more kinky or specialized is not the answer. I have things that turn me on and things that do not. I have tried a bunch of things during my sexually active life and I have figured this out for myself. If I don’t get off on things either on a physical, emotional or intellectual level then I do not do it. Custom content or special requests just are not my thing. I did not get into porn as a people pleaser. It was about exploring pleasure for myself and sharing it with an interested audience. I am OK not being everyone’s cup of tea. Its just part of the human experience. Not everyone will like you. I won’t like everyone. But changing myself to suit a larger audience or a specific one is one form of commercialization of my sexuality that does not interest me. Sticking to my style and my ideals makes sexwork, well, work for me, but it does has its negative consequences. I feel isolated. I feel I have lost my community because they either gave up their sites and went on to other things or they changed with the times and I did not. I am a dinosaur, an extinct species. Don’t get me wrong. I know I am not the only woman in Internet porn who has not had cosmetic surgery and such things (and I understand why in the age of HD that trying to remain as you once were - especially when everyone in mainstream media is doing it too - cosmetic surgery is going to be a personal and business strategy in order to stay in the game - your public wants you to be as they first found you). I know I am not the only woman who uses her site and social media as a platform for expressing more than just her sexuality. I am not alone as a performance artist and social commentator - as someone who mixes her life with technology to create a unique canvas for self expression. Its just that we are few and far between. People are always asking in the face of change what is the future of porn? As making porn has always been a very personal experience for me, I am always asking what is my future in porn?