Signature Move

I am a bit socially awkward. I am trying to change that. Well, I have been trying for some 30 years. Its a work in progress. Never ending it seems. Yes, there still seems to be a long way for me to go. This New Year’s Eve was proof.

I went to see my best girlfriend perform with a band I have shared the bill with before when I do burlesque with the band Bad Uncle. I spoke to some of their members during that gig so I thought they might recognize me as the girl who does burlesque. That has happened quite a bit before among strangers at clubs so I thought people in their circle and especially those I had chatted with might remember me. Not this time.

While I was in the green room they even mentioned an upcoming gig with Bad Uncle as well as some thoughts on the Bartender’s band - clearly without realizing I had personal experience with both (though the fact that people do not connect me with the Bartender makes sense - he was very low key with me when we were at his bar or with his band - one would hardly think he knew me much less was engaging in personal relations with me on a very regular basis). In any case, hearing them talk made for a bit of spy moment for me, but also made me realize how I am somehow either a chameleon or unmemorable.

In one way unmemorable does not make a whole lot of sense. I tend to be an eccentric dresser. I like retro and pin-up attire. You’d think that would be enough for people to remember me. Look at the girl dressed all wacky. Nope. It doesn’t seem to even get me noticed in the first place or at least approached. On New Year’s Eve the only people who spoke to me were the wait staff and one girl by the bar.

I have thought about dressing more conservatively or at least more conventionally. Maybe that would make me more approachable, but then I would not be me. I would be some sort of fake me which would not help my comfort level. It wouldn’t feel right. It would feel worse than not being approached. Sort of like I am not attractive or interesting as myself. I want new friendships to come from a genuine connection and for that to happen I cannot be anyone but myself - funky glasses and fishnets included.

One major issue I have is that I don’t smile enough. Not smiling makes me seem unfriendly and unapproachable. Its not that I don’t want to smile. It just does not come naturally to me. Its a family trait from my father’s side. Stoic upon first impression. Darn right silly when we are comfortable among friends. Or at least I am and so was my father. Though the not smiling thing it has had one decent side effect - lack of wrinkles. I don’t have many compared to my peers (those who have not had botox or other injectables that is).

Another issue is my lack of eye contact. Before going out to an event James would give me a pep talk and encourage me to make eye contact. It is still a struggle but something I am determined to conquer. It definitely has improved this past year. As a single independent woman I have found myself pushing out of my comfort zone in many ways. I fixed my own toilet and I try to look people in the eye.

So what does this all have to do with my signature move? Well, it seems the only men who will talk to me when I am out are wait staff. Especially bartenders. Maybe it is because they have nowhere to go. Maybe because I tip well. Maybe because I feel safe with them. I can look them in the eye. I can banter. I can even smile. There are few expectations. Our relationship is clear cut. They pour me a drink, we chat a little and we are both on our way.  Any friendliness or flirtation has clear boundaries.

I wonder why I cannot do this with other people. Why must I only be friendly with strangers who are paid to be nice to me?