The Ex Factor

I am reading Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Ex* by Heather Belle and Michelle Fiordaliso.

*a former spouse, lover, fling, or ”friend”

I am loving it.

I found it as I was perusing the relationship section at Chapters. I was looking for something on divorce, but all I could find was stuff about dealing with children, money and lawyers. There was nothing about the pain, confusion, grief and mixed feelings. Well, there was one book written by a judge who had suggestions on how to divorce in a good karma way which I may yet go back for. It seemed to address those issues, but was a bit heavy for me. I wanted something practical and optimistic. Something to help me focus on my current situations of being an ex and dealing with other people’s exes. I haven’t blogged about it much except a line or two back in February, but I am seeing someone who has an ex who is very much part of his current life. It has not been easy for anyone. I needed some perspective on that. I also needed some perspective on the issues I am facing with my break-up.

Big time.

My separation is a big weight on my shoulders. I wish I had friends I could talk to who have separated or divorced while in their 30s. Well, I don’t wish for people to go through it, only that I wish I was not feeling so isolated in this experience. I have friends who married young and divorced very soon after. Their experience is different. I have friends who were with someone for 2 to 6 years before breaking up. Their experience is different (this I know 100% to be true since I dated two people in my past - for 4 years and 6 years - and this split after 16 years 8 months and 4 days is sooooo different). It is so much more painful. It has shattered me to my core. I also know he is shattered too.

In any case, I am healing slowly from this life altering change. I am in therapy and that is helping. I am soul searching and that is helping. And now this book is helping too.

One of the many things I have learned from the book…

I no longer believe in friends with benefits. At least with exes, but kind of with general friends too.  Its about labels which I know some people don’t like, but labels help bring a little order to the chaos. It helps everyone get on the same page. I think the label of lover is more appropriate - not love in the big romantic way, but love in the enjoy having sex without a lifetime commitment way.

Think about it…. You do not have sex with your friends. You have sex with partners (hopefully) and lovers (definitely). If you are sleeping with someone who once was your partner and now is ‘just a friend’, who you only have sex with when you are sad/drunk/angry/lonely/bored etc… You are lovers. Messy, disaster waiting to happen, lovers perhaps, but lovers nonetheless.

Bottom line, say the authors, is that if you break-up and then try to go the friend route, don’t sleep with your ex. If you do sleep with them, then you are not their friend and they are not yours. Sex with an ex is a form of sabotage. It reflects regret. It reflects manipulation. It says you are stuck in the past. Doesn’t sound very friendly to me. I suppose you can have sex with an ex, realize all these things and then something good can come of it, but you cannot have sex with an ex and say you are ‘just friends’. When it comes to sex (especially with your ex) it is all about motives and consequences.

Yes, I have been tempted. I am glad I didn’t give in. It would have been serving my base needs. Ha! I love that way of describing sex, but in this case I mean more that just an instinct to have sex. My base needs in this case would have been about doing something to soothe the soul that only time, reflection and work can really address. Sex would have just made things worse, not better. It would not have been a healthy representation of true friendship. Friends with benefits? It would have been a lie.

There are so many other observations and realizations I want to share and I only just finished Lesson Two of this book (lesson 2 is titled Why Exes Make You Crazy). There are six lessons in all with an average of 5 chapters per lesson. There is so much so far and I realize only some of it is sinking in. It will definitely need a re-read.