They Say Third Time's a Charm

The bartender and I had another major relationship talk. It is not over, but I no longer have rose coloured glasses on. I was hopeful for it developing into something else, something more meaningful. He does not want this - with anyone, I think. Past hurts have left him fearful and frozen. Currently he seeks freedom and variety. As much as I was hoping that our strong attraction, our chemistry and my genuine caring, support and understanding of him would mean more to him, they don’t.

He seems to expect me to hurt him, to leave him, and so he has beaten me to punch and made it clear (in a gentle way - he has this ever-so-soft side to him) that he does not want to be in a serious relationship. We had that talk before in April, but recently he made certain romantic declarations about his feelings to me which led me down a path of possibility. I don’t think he lied, but he certainly was impulsive and reckless by saying the things he did. This miscommunication, where I thought he wanted something else from me and for us, opened a door I felt I wanted to walk through.

[I wonder if he said these encouraging things, meant them and then it triggered him. He got scared. I know some of what I said in return was confusing and misleading too, a reflection of my own fears. I want something that I have never have had and that is a lot of pressure for someone who wants to please and hates to hurt.]

And I am not terribly hurt this time. I am actually quite OK with our clarification. I do not feel rejected. This is clearly about people with different wants. I feel it is sad that he doesn’t think he ever wants to be in a relationship for fear of hurt. What a shame. I am so destroyed from the end of my marriage, but I am not going to say no to the possibility of big love in the future. I doubt I will get married and I wonder if I will ever live with someone again, but I know I want to have a significant relationship with someone in the future. I do want mutual support and respect, with passion and deep caring. I want to love and be loved.

When I met him I presented myself as this ever-so-understanding woman, secure in her sexuality and in her ideas on life. That is one side of me, but there is also a vulnerable side which I am not sure he truly recognized. I never want to be the victim. I never want to be the drama queen. I try to be calm and cool. Reasonable. In a way it is a defense. A failed one because my anxiety builds and I talk too much. I become overwhelmed and I hold on tight to whatever I have. I am afraid too. Realizing this has been important to me and I am working to find a balance between my two sides - the rational tough one and the scared vulnerable one.

Now the question is what to do next. How do we have this not-so-serious relationship? How do we remain lovers? Do we date? Only see each other once a week? Once a month? Can I see him and shut off a part of my heart?

I have realized that I have certain hopes and expectations for myself and that I need to look inward to satisfy them. Perhaps disengaging a bit, being less serious with one person, is a good thing for me at this time.