Well, I'm On My Way. I Don't Know Where I Am Going.

I know I have been posting infrequently. I have been posting songs and lyrics. It might seem insubstantial. Its not. It says so much. I know why.

I like having someones else’s words reflect what I am feeling. What I am inspired by. What is distracting me. It feels a wee bit safer and some how empowering. Recoiling in fear and shame - at the same time skipping with whimsy - at the same time throwing my fist in the air.

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I met with a long lost friend for lunch last week. She has seem James last. It was sometime last Fall. I am sure he presented a version of the tale. I do. He must. A version of confidence and optimism. That was his way. Don’t depress people with your sad story. I have no clue if that is what he is feeling. There is a big space between us now. Something I still do not how to wrap my head around.

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How did I get here?

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He was/is the private one. I throw it all out there. Make a mess of things as a form of controlling it.Make it a show. I am a performer after all.

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The medium is the message.

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But now I am trying new things. Dancing new moves. I had secrets. Now I have even more. Yet, it feels so odd, so good to not present it all. So refreshing to not present an eternally sunshine-y version of my life. That was our plan. It was sunshine-y. Here. There. Everywhere.

Except it got stuck and twisted and broken. Something got thrown in the wheel. It kept turning and turning, then bending and bending, and then we got used to the rhythm of its misshape.

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Wow. Look at me sharing too much with strangers.